On July third I went to my first scheduled ultrasound to get the ok to move forward. Unfortunately the ok never came. The nurse told me I had to go on birth control, because I had a cysts on each side. This news at the time was devastating to me. I left the office and when I got to my car called my mom and just cried. Tears of frustration, heartbreak and sadness. I kept saying it's not fair. I felt my Faith slipping away. I got home and I just felt numb. My heart just hurt. I wondered how I could keep doing this. One disappointment after another was happening. The wise thing would to get down on my knees and pray; I get so much comfort from that. In a way I felt betrayed and didn't want to pray.
One of my friends who has always been there through everything with me text me or called me and said something that made me really think. What if I needed a break from all these medicines. I had been taking my metformin for forever. What if my body just needed a break from it all. Thinking about that changed everything. Instead of a disappointment I looked at this as a blessing. I got down on my knees and thanked my Heavenly Father for yet another lesson to learn and grow from.
When Corey got home we talked about it all. While he was disappointed and hurt like me; we both knew we needed a break. So we decided no more baby talk. We would take this month to recharge and enjoy being with family. My sisters and their kiddos were coming so we had planned so many fun things. Which made this another blessing, because I wasn't always sick from the medicine and could enjoy them! So maybe that is why things were happening as well. Maybe Heavenly Father knew this was the only way to truly enjoy being with the kiddos. Being off all my crazy hormonal medicines. I just needed to have Faith in his timing and that he knew more then I did. He truly saw the bigger picture, and for that I truly feel blessed.
We have had the best time since they have been here. We had parties, went to the zoo, made gummy bears, cupcakes, gone to the mountains to make smores, gone shopping, Gardner village, and even made them a homemade carnival. We packed all this in and had so much fun!
Being with them has truly helped heal my sad and broken heart. Hearing them say I love you to the moon and back, and seeing their sweet smiles have made my heart feel full again. Children really are the best medicine.
Now we are ready and recharged to try again. We have gotten the go ahead and my first injection was today. So here we go again. This time my perspective has changed a little. I am seeing the setbacks as blessings now. I take each positive victory and hold tight to it. I don't know if this will work, but I do know I will be a mother. I know this promise from Heavenly Father has been given to me. I know this heartache has given me strength and faith I never knew I had. I also know that my Heavenly Father loves me and only wants what's best for me. His plan for me is greater than my own. He has a beautiful plan for me and can see what I can't. So I will be a mom, I just don't know when. So we will leave it all in his hands. Their is a great comfort in knowing you have done all you can do, and he will take over the rest.
Thank you everyone for your strength, love, prayers, and support. We honestly couldn't do this without you. Your comforting words and love help us move forward. Your prayers are felt and we feel so blessed to have such an amazing support system. Please keep us in your prayers this is a big week for us. We love you all so much!
He never said it would be easy, he just said it would be worth it!
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