A New Journey

   

              Corey and I went to the fertility doctor's office last Friday. I had already told myself that no matter what the outcome was, it was in God's hands and I needed to have Faith. As I took a deep breath I looked at the scripture my doctor has on his wall, and I knew that our baby whenever it comes would be an absolute miracle. As the doctor started to let us know that my right tube is unable to work and the only way we could get pregnant was through IVF, I kept remembering that voice asking me if I trusted him. I started to have a peaceful feeling that everything would bebok, and to trust him. I knew in that second that my Heavenly Father was there, reminding me to have Faith.
            Then the doctor mentioned a study for IVF they were doing the medicine and everything was included and covered. Could this be an answer to all our many prayers? My heart skipped a beat until he let me know that I qualified for everything except the weight.

             That is never fun to hear, but then I found myself telling my doctor that I would get down to the weight needed. I will do anything for a baby. He gave me a meal plan of 6 meals 200 calories each and gave me a sort of deadline. He also gave me an appetite suppressant that is supposed to take away my hunger and give me energy. With PCOS unfortunately it is hard for us to lose wait, so I am also on pills to regulate my body. Since I have started this diet I have been able to take those pills, which is a huge blessing. Usually they make me so sick. This is another reason why I know this journey is being led by Heavenly Father.

           So here we go on another journey. Yet I honestly feel that this is more of a hopeful journey. I know nothing is guaranteed in life, but I also know that some things are meant to happen in your life. Will it be hard, of course it will. I am on day 3 of this diet and honestly it's not always easy, but in the end it will be worth it no matter what.  My two motivations in this are qualifying for the study and being healthy. I pray every day that Heavenly Father will help me through this. I know that this will only make me better and also strengthen my Faith even more.
            As I look back on this journey I see God"s hand in everything. Of course questions arise as to why didn't they find out my tube didn't work earlier? Maybe the reason is I needed to face my biggest fear of giving myself shots, maybe it was just a practice run for if we get the chance to do IVF. Whatever it was, it was meant to happen. I believe with all my heart in the power Faith and prayer have. They have gotten my through the hardest times of this journey. He has put amazing friends and family in my life as a huge support system. I am truly humbled by the love, support and prayers from everyone. I know that this journey has given me one of my most precious gifts and that is strengthened Faith and trust in Heavenly Father. I have grown so much spiritually throughout this journey. Without my Faith I would be a lost mess.
               Going into this I am going to choose Faith over fear. I know days will be hard, but I also know what I have been promised. I also know that my Heavenly Father loves me, and I know that with him & my family by my side I can get through anything. God makes the impossible possible.
                Thank you everyone who has stuck with us through this journey. You will never know how much your prayers and kind words mean to us. We feel your prayers and it strengthens us. This journey is not yet over, but I want you all to know how much you mean to us. So thank you from the bottom of our hearts, we love you!


If you have any low calorie meal ideas or snacks let me know

Do you trust me?

                         Today I got some hard news. My only tube that works is blocked. So I have two options I can throw myself a pity party and cry, or I can put all my faith and trust in God that if it be his will my tube will be healed. I have chosen to do the second one. This week I have been concentrating on strengthening myself spiritually by listening to conference talks and my scriptures while at work. During this I have heard many talks on never giving up, faith, trust in the Lord , blessings, and in miracles. I honestly feel it has prepared me for what lies ahead. Do I trust my Heavenly Father? Do I trust and know with my whole heart that my tube can be healed and that miracles do exist?

                         One day while I was praying this week I heard the words do you trust me? Naturally I started looking around seeing if anyone was talking to me. Of course no one was around. Then I heard those words again Do you trust me? My thoughts were yes of course I do. Then I really thought about it. Have I truly and honestly put all my trust in Heavenly Father through all of this? Have I trusted him enough to truly let it go? I wish the answer was yes. I think we all have a fear of having things taken out of our control. What if it doesn't work out or other what its. Yes I have Faith that I will be a mother and that God keeps his promises, but did I truly and whole heartidly trust that it would happen? Did I put my faith before my fear? Truly having Faith in Heavenly Father also means trusting him, and that's where I have been lacking.

                          So now more then ever I am going to put my whole heart and soul into trusting and having faith in my Heavenly Father. I have done everything that I can, now it's time for him to take over. I can't just say that though I have to truly and whole heartidly believe it. Believe that he can heal that tube, and that miracles do happen. This will not be easy, and I know it will really test my faith more then ever. But I cannot let fear stand in the way of my faith. I am ready to learn and grow and be strengthened by this. I will never give up. With God nothing is impossible. Nothing worth having ever comes easy.

                          I am so grateful to so many of you who have been and are praying for Corey and I. I feel truly humbled by it and I have never ever taken it for granted. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. You have truly made a difference. I am strengthened so much by your love, thoughts and prayers. We love you all so much and feel truly blessed.

                         I know and believe with my whole heart that we have Heaven cheering us on as well. We will get through this and we will get our miracle. With faith and trust in our Heavenly Father we can get through anything. One of the quotes I have says "You will see it when you believe it." I also have another one that says, "Where there is hope, there is faith, where there is faith, miracles happen. I love these two quotes so much! They help me to remember to believe in miracles and to always have hope and faith. Some of the words from my favorite scripture from my days in the LDS sorority are  "Wherefore be of good cheer and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you and will stand by you. He loves us and is here for us always. He knows our thoughts, our hearts desires, and concerns. He will be there to keep guiding us through, and taking our hands. When we can't walk he will carry us and also carry the burden for us. We may have a little longer road on this journey to our miracle, but I have Faith that we will get our miracle. It will be in his timing though, not ours.

Moving Forward with Peace

            I have been wanting to write for awhile now, but I haven't really known what to say. So I am trusting God to help me write this. The last year was hard. It was so full of so many ups & downs. Although it was hard, I truly found my greatest strength.
            Even when I felt like giving up and that God had abandoned us, I came to understand he truly was there. He was working behind the scenes through it all. Even though I didn't get the miracle I wanted at this time, I got another miracle. I received the strength I needed. I received the hope and faith to never give up my dreams. I developed trust in a loving Heavenly Father, and I gained the strength I never knew I had within myself.

             Month after month, heart break after heartbreak I gained the strength to keep going. I would get down on my knees with tears rolling down my face and pray for him to let me be a mother. My heart felt completely broken and I felt such incredible sadness. It's times like those when I felt arms around me giving me strength to keep going and knowing that I was loved unconditionally. He loved me, he was there for me, and all I needed to do was trust him. I needed to trust his timing in all things, and to completely trust in him I needed to let go. Let go of my control, and let him take control. I was tired, heartbroken, confused, scared and sad. How could I live a happy life when all I had felt was sadness. I wanted my life back and I wanted to be happy again. I didn't want the heavy burden anymore. I just wanted peace. Now I look back and see he gave that to me. He just gave it to me in a way I wasn't expecting.

            Although at the time I didn't realize all the lessons I was learning, I now see. Sometimes we think we have to show him what we truly want, and keep fighting for it no matter what. But the real lesson is he already knows, and we don't have to do it alone. We don't have to do it all by ourselves, that is what part of the Atonement is for. Jesus has been through it all. He knows every single heartbreak I faced last year. He was there though holding my hand, pushing me to never give up, and letting me know I wasn't alone in this. I have felt his hand and his love throughout this journey.

             Whether I am on my knees or listening to church music his message is always clear, you are my child and I am here. One day I was listening to a song I sang in Young Women's all the time.

Walk Tall you're a daughter a child of God be strong please remember who you are, try to understand you're part of his great plan he's closer then you know reach up he'll take your hand.
             

                I could go on, but the message is clear he loves us and is always there. So how did I ever feel like I was alone in this? Heavenly Father has given me strength through his unconditional love for me. My Faith in that has kept me strong through the hard times and kept me going.

             I think I have been scared to leave it all in his hands, out of fear not faith. I have been feeding my fears and not my faith. Through this whole entire journey I have seen miracles. So why didn't I just have Faith in him? Why didn't I let my faith get strengthened and my fears shrink? He asks us to give it all to him and to trust him with all our hearts, so why didn't I?  It's one thing to say it, but another thing to actually do it. I think I was scared that if I did I would feel like I was moving on from this, that I was giving up, but that's not it at all. By actually leaving this in his hands I am finally putting my Faith into my actions. I am letting go of the things I can't control and letting Heavenly Father take it over. I need to use the trust I have learned to have in him with my whole entire heart. I need to trust in him fully and completely. He has never let me down, and through this I see he has always kept his promises. They didn't come when I expected them to, or in a way I expected them to come, but they came how he wanted them to come.
   
             So now I am going to start praying for something that I should have all along and that is to have peace in knowing that it's in his hands. To know that he knows what's best for me and when I am meant to be a mother it will happen. As I write this I feel a deep burden taken off my shoulders. I feel I can keep going, keep trusting, and most of all I feel a deep peace. I feel peace in knowing I have truly done all I can in this, and now it's time to put my faith into action. To trust fully and completely in my Heavenly Father's timing. This doesn't mean I am giving up, it just means I am letting God take the reins now.

Setbacks can be Blessings in disguise!

              Here we go again! I feel like I say this way too often. Last month we had a little bit of a setback, but the more I look at it maybe it was a blessing.
              On July third I went to my first scheduled ultrasound to get the ok to move forward. Unfortunately the ok never came. The nurse told me I had to go on birth control, because I had a cysts on each side. This news at the time was devastating to me. I left the office and when I got to my car called my mom and just cried. Tears of frustration, heartbreak and sadness. I kept saying it's not fair. I felt my Faith slipping away. I got home and I just felt numb. My heart just hurt. I wondered how I could keep doing this. One disappointment after another was happening. The wise thing would to get down on my knees and pray; I get so much comfort from that. In a way I felt betrayed and didn't want to pray.
               One of my friends who has always been there through everything with me text me or called me and said something that made me really think. What if I needed a break from all these medicines. I had been taking my metformin for forever. What if my body just needed a break from it all. Thinking about that changed everything. Instead of a disappointment I looked at this as a blessing.  I got down on my knees and thanked my Heavenly Father for yet another lesson to learn and grow from.
               When Corey got home we talked about it all. While he was disappointed and hurt like me; we both knew we needed a break. So we decided no more baby talk. We would take this month to recharge and enjoy being with family. My sisters and their kiddos were coming so we had planned so many fun things. Which made this another blessing, because I wasn't always sick from the medicine and could enjoy them! So maybe that is why things were happening as well. Maybe Heavenly Father knew this was the only way to truly enjoy being with the kiddos. Being off all my crazy hormonal medicines. I just needed to have Faith in his timing and that he knew more then I did. He truly saw the bigger picture, and for that I truly feel blessed.
               We have had the best time since they have been here. We had parties, went to the zoo, made gummy bears, cupcakes, gone to the mountains to make smores, gone shopping, Gardner village, and even made them a homemade carnival. We packed all this in and had so much fun!
Being with them has truly helped heal my sad and broken heart. Hearing them say I love you to the moon and back, and seeing their sweet smiles have made my heart feel full again. Children really are the best medicine.
              Now we are ready and recharged to try again. We have gotten the go ahead and my first injection was today. So here we go again. This time my perspective has changed a little. I am seeing the setbacks as blessings now. I take each positive victory and hold tight to it. I don't know if this will work, but I do know I will be a mother. I know this promise from Heavenly Father has been given to me. I know this heartache has given me strength and faith I never knew I had. I also know that my Heavenly Father loves me and only wants what's best for me. His plan for me is greater than my own. He has a beautiful plan for me and can see what I can't. So I will be a mom, I just don't know when. So we will leave it all in his hands. Their is a great comfort in knowing you have done all you can do, and he will take over the rest.
             Thank you everyone for your strength, love, prayers, and support. We honestly couldn't do this without you. Your comforting words and love help us move forward. Your prayers are felt and we feel so blessed to have such an amazing support system. Please keep us in your prayers this is a big week for us. We love you all so much!

He never said it would be easy, he just said it would be worth it!

             

He never said it would be easy, he only said it would be worth it!

                           These last couple of weeks have not been easy. In fact they have been extremely hard. I want to keep it real and always remember everything I have learned. Let me take you back to that Friday, when my Faith was tested

                            I woke up at 5:00 a.m. and got my injection and said a quick prayer before I started. I quickly got the injection ready and gave myself the shot. It hurt a little, but sometimes you do what you've got to do! I went to work, and kept praying that this shot would work. The shot is to help the eggs grow faster.

                           After work my mom was there waiting to take me to my appointment Corey had to work, so I have been grateful that my mom can come with me. I prayed in the bathroom of the center and felt ready for the ultrasound. I was waiting to hear the good news that my eggs were ready, and it was time to schedule the IUI. That news never came. The egg follicle was on the left side, the side where I had no tube. I got instructions from the nurse that maybe this would happen naturally that the egg could float over and the right tube could pick it up, but it was such a hard pill to swallow. I felt my body had failed me again; I smiled and held a brave face while the nurse told me the instructions. I held it all in until we left the building. I looked over at my mom with the tears starting to trickle out of my eyes. Then it was if a dam was bursting and I let it all out I cried my heart out. My heart felt broken and lost. My mom was so supportive and just let me cry, she listened to me relay my feelings and sob. It's not fair, kept coming out of my mouth, how could this be. I was supposed to be my right side this time; I skipped a month of treatment, because this was supposed to be the right month. My mom kept whispering honey its ok, don't give up. It wasn't ok though, I was hurt broken and felt so broken.

                          She dropped me off and I cried for what seemed like forever. I tried to call my sisters, but no one would answer. Then it dawned on me, I hadn't talked to my Heavenly Father yet. I quickly sunk to my knees and let the tears flow. My heart was broken I felt I wanted to give up, my hope was fading fast I poured out my heart to him. I let him know all the hurt and heartache I was feeling. I wanted peace and faith to keep going. I needed to have hope again. I felt so emotionally drained and tired. I wanted to give up, so the pain would just go away. Then it felt like a warm hug was surrounding me, peace was entering my heart. I knew my Heavenly Father was there, he was helping me through all this heartache and pain. I felt loving arms wrap around me, telling me it will be ok. I felt so loved in that moment, I knew everything would be ok in time. My tears kept flowing, but peace was starting to surround me. My Heavenly Father loves me. I felt his love and I thought what must he be feeling seeing one of his children so sad, so ready to give up. I knew it was hard on him as well. How he must feel when anyone is struggling or in pain. That must be so hard to bare for him. I know he loves each of us unconditionally. He hurts when we hurt; he feels all our emotions of happiness, pain and sorrow. Just like a father would. He loves us, never ever forget that. He hears you, and he will never leave you comfortless.

                        After my prayer my hope was becoming restored. I knew his promises were still true. He answered my prayers, but not the way I expected. Every time after the prayer he sent angels in the forms of my sisters and friends sending me messages of hope telling me I was strong and not to give up. They meant so much to me and gave me so much strength. My heart was becoming full with peace and love. I knew I wasn't alone, that I would always have people there for me. To love me, pray for me, and just support me. Corey came home and I told him what happened. He was supporting and loving and comforted me the best way, by making me laugh. He always knows how to make me smile, and I feel so incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful man by my side. He is always there to make me smile and he knows what I need. He is my rock and I am so grateful that Heavenly Father blessed me with such an amazing husband.

                         It has been a week now since that dreaded day. My dad gave me a beautiful blessing full of peace, love and hope. I am a slow learner, but I am learning to trust my Heavenly Father. It is one thing to say you trust him, but another thing to actually do it. So I am left with a choice, do I keep letting this eat at me, worry me, and make me fall apart, or do I trust in someone who can help me through it all. Heavenly Father has a beautiful plan for my life. He brings me peace instead of fear, faith instead of worry, and he loves me unconditionally. I want to be me again. I want to write, read, craft, and do all the fun things I love. I don't want to be sad, fearful and feel so alone. So I am going to do just that. I am going to write, read, craft, and just be me. I am going to be there for others, and be the person my Heavenly Father knows I can be. I am going to leave all the heartache, fear, and hurt in his hands. He has asked us to let him take our burdens, and this time I am going to do it. I am going to trust in my loving Heavenly Father with my full heart, and know his blessings are true and so real. I need to accept that Corey and I have done all we can, and leave the rest to the Lord. It's not about giving up, it's about letting God take over.

                         Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Your love, support, messages, texts, phone calls, and prayers help me so much. They truly are felt and keep me strong. Your love means so much to me, I am so incredibly grateful for all of you. You bring me hope and are true answers to my prayers. I feel so blessed to have such an amazing support system. I love you all and could not be more blessed to have you in my life Thank you for letting me share my story and supporting us on this journey. I am not giving up my hope to be a mother. I believe with all my heart that it will happen when the time is right, but for now I am letting someone else take control. He never said it would be easy, he only said it would be worth it. Remember what comes after the storms, a beautiful rainbow.


Moses 6:34

34 Behold my Spirit is upon you, wherefore all thy words will I justify; and the mountains shall flee before you, and the rivers shall turn from their course; and thou shalt abide in me, and I in you; therefore walk with me.

Prayers and Peace

                              

                            This isn't exactly the update I was hoping to write. Of course I was hoping to have great, amazing, wonderful news, but that isn't the case. 

                            As I approach this crazy week, I wanted to reflect on my feelings of the last round. It was such an emotional month full of unknowns. I have to give my self medicine injections.  If you know me, you know I am terrified of needles. So the thought of giving myself shots scared me to death. I remember waking up at 5:30 getting ready to give myself the shot. My hands were shaking and I was terrified. I quickly set up all the medicine and got my ice ready. Then I went one two three and it was done. That wasn't so bad I thought. I went to my appointment to find out if the eggs were grown, and they weren't. I remember worrying they wouldn't ever grow, I was so scared. I prayed my heart out that weekend, and by the next appointment they had grown. I was so happy, I was hoping this was a sign and everything would work out. That night I was supposed to give myself another shot. This time I thought I was ready, but I was so nervous I forgot . I called my mom in a panic. She calmed me down and told me she would be over to help. These things are on such a timeline I got so worried that I was past my time. I called my sister Allie, and she guided me through each step. I finally got the medicine in and called my mom back. She stayed on the phone with me until I had given myself the shot. I am so grateful for my mom and sister, they took the time to help and comfort me when I needed it most.
                                The IUI was scheduled on Wednesday, I was so nervous. It was such a crazy day it was snowing outside, what a beginning to the day. We got down to Pleasant Grove and I had the procedure. They told us it would be 2 weeks, and we go back to get a blood test.
                                Two weeks came and I woke up excited. I was hoping with all my heart that the test would be positive, I thought for sure. It was around noon when they called us back with the results. We were at the car wash of all places. She said I am sorry, but the test was negative. I remember feeling numb, but just saying ok thank you. I tried to act so strong, but my heart was breaking. I called my sister Julie to let her know that I wasn't pregnant. Then the tears came, they poured down my cheek. I was heartbroken and so sad. It was such a hard moment, and my sister just let me cry. She even cried with me a little bit. It was so hard to stop the tears. My heart felt a little empty,an d I just wanted it so bad. My heart hurt so bad that day, but I wanted to be strong. I guess sometimes we can't always be strong. Sometimes we just have to cry.  Later that day I got down on my knees and just opened up my whole heart to Heavenly Father. I told him that my heart was broken, that I was so sad, and that all I wanted to be was a mother. As the tears continued to pour down my cheeks, I started to feel some peace. I pictured my Heavenly Father weeping right beside me. I truly felt his loving arms around me, and his pure love for me. At that moment I knew I would never be alone. That no matter what my Heavenly father was there for me, and would bless me.
                               So here we enter into the next month of unknowns. I got to be honest even though I have been through this before, I am still scared. This month I have to give myself two injections, but I know I can do this. I know that my Heavenly Father will be there with me through this, as well as my husband and family. I don't feel alone. I have learned so much through this trial. I have learned how much love and support I truly have, it has strenghthened my faith, and I truly know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I feel his love and I know he is always there. This round I am going to pray more for peace in his plan for me. I am still learning the whole patience and putting it in Heavenly Father's hands, it is so much easier said then done. I am going to try my hardest to do it. Please keep us in your prayers this week. I truly believe in the power of prayer, and we could really use it this week. My heart is full and I am working on feeling peace. One thing is for sure I know that no matter what happens, Heavenly Father keeps his promises. He fulfills them in his time not ours. Thank you everyone for your love, support and prayers. We truly feel it, and feel so blessed.


I Dream of you

 At night I see you in my dreams...
You have the sweetest little face
Your little fingers hold onto mine
My heart begins to slowly melt,
being in that happy place
You look into my eyes, you already
hold a piece of my heart.
I hold you in my loving arms, I rock
you fast asleep. My eyes fill up
with tears. They land softly on your
cheek.
My heart is full of love for you my
precious little one. I trust with all
my heart, that when the time is
right you will finally come.
For right now your in Heaven,
learning all you need to know.
Heavenly Father has a plan for us,
he'll send you when it's your time
to go.
So I will hold you in my
dreams for now my precious
child.
Know that you are already
loved and wanted more then you
know.
We can't wait for you to finally be
here so we can watch you learn and
grow.
By Amie Aycock

My Jorney and what I am learning!

                        So I have had a lot of people ask how things went on Wednesday, so I decided to write a recap of this last month. I wanted to document this journey not only to help others along the way, but to remind us of it is well. We have and are still learning so much from this journey. We want to thank everyone once again for supporting, loving, and praying for us. Without your love and support we couldn't get through this.


                        Round 2: Last month we were not able to do the IUI. The medicine worked and everything, just on the wrong side. So here we are now in the middle of round 2. Each round is very precise and has it's own calendar. It always consists of  ultrasounds, medicines, and injections.

                       The first ultrasound checks everything to give us the go ahead to move forward. Then comes the worst part for me anyway, the bravelle injection shot. For those of you who know me, know that I am deathly afraid of needles, so boy have I learned through this. My mom had given it to me last month, but she was away in Oklahoma. So it was all up to me.

                         I woke up at 5:30 that morning and prepared for battle. I got the medicine all ready, numbed the heck out of my skin with ice and popped it in. I was actually so proud of myself, I had actually done it. That was huge for me, I was just glad it was over. That injection definitely isn't my favorite it makes me ache, hungry, moody, and just plain hurts. So I went to work prepared with my rice packs I had frozen. Those helped out.

                        The next day comes the ultrasound where they check the follicles to see if the eggs are growing. Unfortunately it hadn't grown enough so another ultrasound was scheduled the next Monday. I was sad, and almost lost hope. Then I felt a voice telling me to have Faith, that all was not lost.  Monday came and I remember praying extra hard and asking my friends and family for prayers. I know how strong the power of prayers are, and I needed all the strength I could get. I said a little prayer before the nurse came in to do the ultrasound. Then is when we got the much anticipated news, we had a follicle that had grown big enough, and we could move forward to the IUI. Words can't express the gratitude and love I felt for my Heavenly Father for getting us to that point. I felt so incredibly loved and knew that he was with me along this journey. I was also so grateful to everyone for their prayers and support. Heavenly Father was placed so many wonderful and amazing people in our lives that have always been there for us. My heart felt so full and my faith was strengthened.

                       I was told I needed to give myself an HCG shot that releases the eggs. I was told this needed to happen at 9:00 p.m. I was nervous, scared, but ready to take on this new challenge. Before it was time I said a quick prayer and went to preparing for the injection. I learned a very valuable lesson with this one though. I started to do the injection just like the lady showed me, when all the sudden I couldn't get the fluid into the syringe, so I completely panicked. I called my mom in a complete panic, and she offered to come over and help me. Right then I learned that if there is something Satan doesn't want to happen, he will do anything to stop it. He was there making me doubt myself, panic, and worry. It wasn't until I took a step back and realized what was going on that I could hear the Holy Ghost whisper and tell me what to do. I needed to have faith and believe in myself and know that I could do this. I calmed myself down and called my sister Allie. She walked me through and I was able to get the fluid into the syringe. I then called my mom to let her know I had figured it out, and she stayed on the phone with me until I had given myself the shot. Her love support and reassurance that I could do it helped me accomplish it. I am so incredibly grateful and blessed to have her.

                      Wednesday was the big day. I remember waking up with so much excitement, nervousness and pure joy that this could finally happen. Corey and I made the drive down to Pleasant Grove for the procedure. I remember it was snowing pretty hard and I prayed for the Lord to help me remember how to get back to the center, because we had gone to breakfast before and didn't know how to get back there. We aren't very familiar to Pleasant Grove, so I was a little worried. We went down a couple of roads I was guided to go down, and sure enough we found it again. I knew that it was my Heavenly Father that guided us back to where we needed to be. I said a little prayer before the procedure began letting my Heavenly Father know that I was leaving this in his hands, and that if it be his will that this would work. The procedure went well, and now we are left to wait until the 29th of April to find out if it worked.

                    I honestly don't know if this will work, but I have Faith that whatever is supposed to happen will. Heavenly Father has made me promises and I know they will happen, but in his time not mine. I know that through it all he has been right by my side. He has wiped away my tears, calmed my fears, strengthened my Faith, and helped my heart to grow. I know he is there, I know he loves me, and I know with all my heart that he is my father. My faith has grown so much during this trial, and I know that I was meant to have it. The Lord works in mysterious ways, but he always knows what's best for us. I have learned to trust him with all my heart. This trial has only strengthened my testimony that he lives, that he loves me, and that his son, my Savior Jesus Christ has experienced everything I am going through. whether big or small. I know that one day I will be a mom, and I can't wait for that day. I have had many blessing given to me through out this, and I have truly felt the power of the priesthood. I feel so very blessed and grateful to have it in my life. One thing is always so constant in every blessing and that is that he loves me and that he hears my prayers. What amazing words of comfort, faith, hope and love. I am his daughter and he knows the desires of my heart. This knowledge gives me so much comfort and helps me through each day. I am so grateful for the strength and courage he has given me through all of this. I know that this trial is not yet over, but I also know that with his help I can get through anything. We are leaving this in our Heavenly Father's hands, what better place for it to be in. If I could help anyone going through this I would tell them this never ever give up, keep going, and keep the hope alive in your heart no matter what. Also have Faith in your Heavenly Father and trust in his plan for you. Always remember that with him by your side you can get through anything. Thank you all for being on this journey with us. Thank you for your love, prayers and support. We feel every single one of them. Our hearts are full of love and appreciation to you all!


                
                      
                       

Update on our Journey!!

                          I wanted to share our story of what we have been going through with this

 fertility journey of ours. This has been one of the biggest trials and heartaches in my life, so let me start from the beginning.

                         Every girl yearns to be a mommy from the time they are little playing with their dolls. They long for the day when they can be married and start their own beautiful family. After all that's what's supposed to happen right? You get married and start a family. I wish this was the case for us right now.

                          Corey and I have been trying to start our family for about 6 years. Our journey began when I found out I had PCOS. Something that is very common for infertility. A doctor explained the basics to me my hormones are out of balance, which makes it hard to get pregnant. Finding that out was honestly a shot in the gut. It was scary frightening, and not something I could fathom. Now that I know more about it, it is not as scary. This is one of the most common infertility causes and the most treatable. Through medicines such as clomid and other prescriptions, this can be helped.

                        My doctor put me on clomid several times and we still didn't see any results. This has been so disheartening. Many nights and days I would just cry. My heart just aches to hold a baby in my arms, to be someone's mommy, and to know they are mine forever.

Sometimes I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. This is one of the hardest trials I have had in my life. It has also been a very spiritual and sort of enlightening one, if that makes sense? I think I have grown more closer to my Father in Heaven then I have before. You honestly grow so much spiritually through this. Although my heart never stops aching for a baby, I know it is in his hands. He is always been there for me, so why wouldn't he be now?

We started out on a fertilty drug called clomid, it wasn't really working though. So my doctor sent me to a fertility specialist. He did a sonogram and found what he thought was a small mass. This was so scary, because we had no idea what to expect. My doctor ordered an ultrasound and they discovered that mass they thought was small, wasn't so small. It was the size of a basketball, no I am not kidding. They had to get it out and quick. 2 weeks later I was scheduled for surgery. The surgery went very well and they were able to remove it. Now we are back on clomid, hoping that the mass was a factor in us not getting pregnant. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father though, I can't even imagine getting pregnant and having that mass. He definitely knew that we weren't supposed to be pregnant.

                   Six months after the surgery I went back on clomid, still no results. As time went on the fear came. What if I never have a baby? This makes my heart break into a million pieces. My emotions go all over the place and I know it is a true trial of my Faith. I was put on a new medicine, and still nothing. So what is the update now?

                   My sister was told about this amazing fertility doctor in Pleasant Grove. So I made an appointment in February to see him. From the minute I walked in the office I truly felt the spirit. My family had special fasts for me and I was given a blessing. I saw a picture on his desk that truly brought so much peace into my heart it was Mosiah 8:18 Thus God has provided a means that man, through faith, might work mighty miracles; therefore he becometh a great benefit to his fellow beings. What a beautiful and comforting scripture. It is amazing to me how the Lord often speaks to us, sometimes without us even knowing.

                   We met with Dr. Foulk and we went over my condition. He explained to Corey and I about my PCOS, and a plan of action. He says hopefully with the medicines and doing the IUI(insemination) procedure, I could be pregnant by June. If this doesn't work we go onto plan B.

                  So here we go. A new part of the journey. One that is full of hope promise and a scary unknown. I am scared, but I am also have Faith and hope. It's in the Lord's hands now, so what  better place for it to be right? I will keep you updated on the results, and feelings of this new part of our journey. While we are going through this crazy adventure we would really appreciate prayers and support. Thank you to all our friends and family for always being there with us on this journey. We love you all and are so grateful for all your love and support!

                  Something I am truly learning on this journey is that God, not I is in control. That with God anything is possible. My favorite quote is: "Where there is hope, there if Faith, where there is Faith, miracles happen."  Heavenly Father is always there for us, all we have to do is ask and leave it in his hands. So now it's time to Let go and let God take over. Hopefully we will be blessed with a little one, but one thing is for sure we will keep learning and growing

 

                       

Finding Faith and Trust during troubling times!

   

              Today I have been inspired to talk about having Faith and trusting in Heavenly Father. This can be one of the hardest things one will face for many reasons. Having Faith is never an easy task. At times it can feel nearly impossible. How does one trust and have Faith in someone they have never seen? How do we build our Faith and trust?  These are all questions often asked. While I might not have all the answers for these, I would like to share experiences in my life with you where I have learned to do these things. Although the roads to learning these things weren't always easy, I can promise you one thing they were and still are worth it. I treasure my relationship with my Heavenly Father. When I pray I know he is really listening, I know he knows my heart, fears, hopes, dreams, and he knows my needs. I am not here to tell you I have mastered this, because to be honest just like everyone else I am still learning and growing. I hope and pray that as I share with you the experiences that have tried, tested and made my faith grow that something I say can help you in your life challenges as well.

 

               I was adopted when I was a few days old, and while some may think that is easy let me tell you it can actually be hard. When I got old enough to truly understand what that meant, at times I had a really hard time with issues of feeling abandoned, not wanted, and just plain hurt. I wanted to know what was wrong with me, why didn't my biological mother want me? This led to me pushing people away when they would try and get close. I felt that if I left first, I wouldn't feel that horrible ache of not feeling wanted. When in actuality I was only hurting myself and the relationships around me. Those around me were never going to leave me, they loved me. I had a really hard time trusting that anyone would want to be in my life. I felt insecure, and that I wasn't worth being loved. Those were some very dark and scary times. I pushed more people away, then I care to admit. I had that deep fear of people leaving so deeply rooted in my heart that I had a hard time letting people in and trusting them. Then one day I remember praying and feeling God's love so strong it had me in tears. I began to understand that my biological mother did love me, and that when she gave me up it was out of pure love. That God had directed me to a different path, her purpose was only to be a vessel to bring me to the family I was meant to have. This helped me to start realizing I was worth it, and that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and every one of them is different. By trusting him I would learn the path he wants me to be on, and by exercising that Faith it would help me get there. I also learned that during times I feel my doubts, fears, and heartaches taking over, that I can turn it over to him. While I would love to tell you my insecurities have totally gone away, I can't. I can only tell you it has gotten a little easier, but I know who I am. I am a daughter of God, and he loves me. That helps me in more ways I can explain.

 

              Throughout my life I have experienced great heartaches, hardships, and true faith builders. I think all of these have truly prepared me for what I am going through now, which I will get to in the next paragraph.

 

             My husband and I made the decision to start our family after we had been married for three years. We felt this would give us time to get to know each other better, and to help us strengthen our relationship. We figured when we were ready, kids would just come. That's how it happens right? Oh how we were wrong. We tried for a year like the doctor told us to, and nothing happened. I remember feeling worried, scared, heartbroken and wondering once again what was wrong with me? We tried fertility medicines and each month I would have to check my temperature. Then every month I would think, this is the one. I would get so excited and think that I was pregnant, that the test would be different this month. Then reality would sink in with that little strip NOT PREGNANT it would say time after time. Those days were the hardest. I would cry all day, and just want to be left alone. I would wonder why is Heavenly Father doing this to me? I started to blame Heavenly Father and felt so helpless. I had many dreams where I saw my future kids, but why weren't those kids coming? My hope and faith faded. I became bitter at anyone who would get pregnant. I had a hard time getting up in the morning and having motivation to do pretty much anything. Time went on like this for quite a while. My doctor told u that she would advise seeing a specialist. A small glimmer of hope came back, this doctor would help us. Once again we were told to go on those medicines, and I had to have more tests done. I felt like a pin cushion and lab rat. My heart grew heavier every day. I felt lost, and blamed myself for not being able to bring kids to our family. The pain was indescribable. Then one day the doctor found a large cyst on my ovary and I needed to have surgery for it to be removed. I was told that if it hadn't been found it would have continued to enlarge and could cause serious health problems or possibly death. It was a good thing I didn't get pregnant or it could have killed me. This was a scary reality for me. While I was recovering from this major surgery I had time to really evaluate things in my life. I think that was a serious turning point for me. I started to realize the Lord was really aware of me, and was trying to protect me by not getting pregnant.  After I had recovered and was ready to try again, still nothing was working. I felt my heart sinking and that I was going back into that pit of despair. One day I was on my knees bawling and pouring my heart out to Heavenly Father. I was praying to him to help me, help my heart to change, and grow stronger Faith in him. I didn't want to be sad anymore. I wanted to be a mom so bad it hurt. I will never forget that moment when it felt like his arms were around me, calming me, and telling me it will be ok. My children were special and needed time to prepare for these days, that my dreams were real and that I would be blessed as long as I trusted in him. I felt like I was talking to a father and I knew he was listening, that he truly loved me. This once again helped me to gain faith and trust in him.

 

            Even though we still haven't been able to have a baby, I still hold the hope and faith in my heart that our dreams will one day come true. We are going to see a new specialist next month and I feel that this could be an answer to our prayers. I have felt the love my Heavenly Father has for me so strong lately, that it can't be denied. I know we have a long road to go still, but I also know that Heavenly Father is in control. To me this is a very comforting thought. I know if I trust him and continue on with Faith in him everything will be ok.

 

           Although the road to gaining Faith and trust in my Heavenly Father has not been easy, I wouldn't change anything about it. I know he has given me these trials, hardships and heartaches in my life to help me learn and grow. That without these trials I would not have the knowledge, faith, and trust in my Heavenly Father that I have. I have also learned Satan will do anything to stop God's plan for us. He will make things so hard we want to give up, he will try and take away our faith and trust, and he will remind us of our doubts, fears, and worries. He does not want us to be happy, because he isn't happy. Always remember by putting your Faith, trust, and hope in our Heavenly Father anything is possible. He makes what we think is impossible become possible. Heavenly Father loves you, he wants you to be happy, but just like any other father he also wants you to grow. By giving us trials, heartaches, and hardships this will help our faith grow. It will stretch us, mold us, and help us become the person he knows we can be. We will begin to trust him and we will know that when we have done everything we can, to give it to him and he will do what we can't. He will lighten our burdens, and will calm our fears. All things are possible through him. We need to believe that, trust that, and find hope in that. Nothing worth having is ever easy, but it sure is worth it!

                             
                              
 
                               

Six helps for Relationship Struggles!!

                      So my last blog I wrote a post on why I believe we have struggles in relationships. If you haven't read it yet, go read it I'll wait ha ha. For those of you that are reading this, I pray that you will get out of this what you are supposed to. I know and believe that Heavenly Father loves each of us, he is so mindful of your struggles. Trust him, he will never let you down.

            Getting through struggles in a relationship are some of the greatest hardships we will face. They are never easy. I want to share with you some of the things I have learned through going through them myself, and I what I am still learning. I think one of my favorite books on relationships is by Dr. John Lund, called For All Eternity. This has been one of the biggest tools in my life that has helped me in my relationship with my husband. I will reference what I have learned both personally through Heavenly Father, and things that helped me from this book.


          So how do we get through struggles with our partner? Well there really is not an easy solution for this. I think the biggest things are COMMUNICATION, COMPROMISE, APOLOGY, FORGIVENESS, PRAYER, and LOVE. Without these six things it is impossible to get through anything, but with these things possible to get through struggles. Lets break these six things out, and show how these are essential to have during struggles.

          Communication: This is one of the most important things in a relationship period!! When we are going through struggles it is important to always communicate to each other. I read a quote once that said one calm talk can save a relationship, only if both are willing to participate. Let each other know your frustrations, but do it in a calm way. Never use your words as weapons to hurt each other. Words spoken in the heat of the moment, can sometimes do more damamge then we realize. The words that come out can be forgiven, but they are not always forgotten. Remember you are both in this together. One thing I am learning is don't take your stress and frustrations out on each other. It isn't fair to unload on your partner, when they are not the cause of it. Instead use them as a listening ear, they love you and want to be there for you. If you can't talk calmly go on a walk, run, or anywhere else where you can get hold of your emotions.


         Compromise: So this is huge in my house. My husband and I are constantly doing this. In all honesty it saves so many arguments. I have had to learn it's not always about being right, but more about having peace. I think sometimes we just need to pick and choose our battles. Think to ourselves is this really worth fighting about? Sometimes we can do more damage by always having to be right, that it isn't worth it. Don't sweat the small things.You two are a team, it's better to fight the battle together then apart!


          Apology: So I am trying to be better at this, but sometimes I have a tendency to be stubborn. I want my husband to be the one to apologize first, even though I may have been the one that egged it on.When I walk away I get on my knees and pray to Heavenly Father. I ask him to help open my heart to understanding, forgiveness, love, and to see the best in my partner. I let him know that I am mad right now, and to help take that anger from my heart. I would like to say this always happens, but I would be lying. Most of the time it ends up with me lashing out with words of hurt and anger. This goes on until we are exhausted and both feeling hurt, angry, and unloved. We say things we later regret and wish we could take back, but it's too late they have already come out. The damage has been done, and we are left feeling awful. So what then? I believe a heartfelt and sincere apology can go along way to help heal a broken heart. I read a quote that says: "The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. the first to forget is the happiest." This is so true, on that moment when I do apologize to my husband first I feel a weight has lifted off me. I think we sometimes we think if we say sorry everything will be ok. Truth is, sometimes it can be. What does I am sorry mean though? It means we will try not to do it ever again. When you apologize make sure it is heartfelt. Make it an apology you would want to hear. Don't be stubborn like me! Even if you aren't the one in the wrong, it helps show you care about the relationship more!


            Forgiveness: In the book Dr. Lund tells you to write down all the things that your partner has hurt you with and literally bury it. Once you do this he says you can't bring it up again. Let it go fully, and watch how fast your heart will change. That is much harder then it sounds, trust me I have been there. I think my most favorite thing he says is what to do after. He says write a letter to your partner and tell them how much these things have hurt you, but end it with I forgive you. You can't write this letter until you are truly ready to forgive them. You can either read it aloud to them, or leave it somewhere they will find it. After they have read it and they come to you, look them in the eyes and say it again. I forgive you. There are no three words, except maybe I love you, and I am sorry that will mean more to them. I have done this, and honestly I can't even explain to you how powerful it was. How much our love grew even stronger after that very moment. This will bring more strength to your relationship then you will ever imagine. The Lord loves us and asks that we forgive always. By doing this we are showing him that Christ's atonement wasn't for nothing. This is the hardest thing you will have to do, but it is so worth it. I am not perfect at this, my husband says that it's almost like I have a file of all his wrong deeds stored. I sometimes use them to hurt him with it, just because I am lashing out and angry. I am learning from this each day. I have to remind myself to lock that drawer, so it can't be pulled out into my memory. This is one of the hardest things when you are struggling to not do. Words said in the heat of the moment can sometimes hurt those we love more then we know. Bury those weapons, they are not going to do anything for you except cause a lot of heartache and hurt.


      Prayer: No one can help us more through these hard times then our loving Heavenly Father. All we have to do is ask for his help. I know when I ask Heavenly Father and put my burdens in his hands, he will. All we need to do is have Faith. By giving it over to our Heavenly Father we are saying, I have done all I can I need help. I think we also have to pray for our partners. Always pray to see the best in each other, pray for a love that makes their weaknesses seem small, and pray for their health and happiness. I know whenever I pray for my husband my heart swells with love and appreciation for him. Pray for each other that you will both soften your hearts, let the pain and bitter feelings out, and allow the love and forgiveness in.

      Love: Always show your love for each other even when you are mad. You don't necessarily hate your partner just what they did. Love each other through it! There is a great power in unconditional love, it can help us get through anything. Be there for each other always, and love even when it's hard to! Always love through the good, bad, happy, sad, and even the ugly! There is nothing you two can't conquer together! Love is powerful let it fill your heart.


      Now I am going to be real here. I honestly feel one of the biggest struggles in my life would be not feeling like I was good enough for my husband, and feeling the fact that we haven't been blessed with children is my fault. This has been a huge struggle in our marriage. This has caused friction in my marriage at times. The stress of the doctor bills, emotional strain, and everything that comes along with it has not been easy. There are days I want to stay in bed and cry, or go to bed so I can't feel that burning ache anymore. The only thing that gets me through those days is Faith. Faith in Heavenly Father's timing. Once you let go of the fear of whatever you are struggling with, and let the Faith in, your heart will change. Also knowing that you and your partner are a team. That you can face anything together, as long as you have each other. You are his and he is yours. Adopt the mentality that his problems are yours and vice versa. Always be there for each other, even if they aren't being loveable. I am learning through lots of faith, hope, love, forgiveness, and with the help of our loving Heavenly Father we can get through anything together. It just takes a lot of time, work, patience, and dedication! There will be hard days when you feel like there is no hope, and you want to give up. Never ever ever give up there is always hope! Always remember that true love can conquers all! 
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Every Relationship has it's Struggles!!

       I think that every relationship needs to go through struggles to better ourselves, strengthen the relationship, and bring us closer to God.

       How does going through trials as a couple help us better ourselves? I know being married at times of trial I learn a lot about the things I need to change in myself. I learn what works and doesn't work, then I try and evaluate and find ways to better myself. If we ask the questions Lord, what do I need to learn about this trial for myself and What things do I need to change to become better? We have a better understanding of what the Lord wants us to learn from this. We also learn the things we need to change in order to become that person we know not only Heavenly Father wants us to become, but what our partner needs as well. We need to love ourselves. By loving ourselves it helps us become more capable of loving others. We Know that it is ok that you aren't perfect, we are always learning and growing. It is also ok that your partner isn't perfect, they are growing as well. Accept and own  that you have faults and that your partner has them. Learn to help strengthen each others faults, not hold them against each other. This will help strengthen your relationship. Hearts can change once we turn ourselves over to God. Allow him to help you make changes in yourself for the better. If we become more like him, we will be more forgiving and always have unconditional love This will also help us to see all the good things in each other, and not always the bad. We will want to help each other become better, and reach the full potential we know we are capable of.  I think each new struggle brings something new to learn together. Learning about ourselves and becoming better from the struggles we are faced with is key to being better prepared for the next one we are faced with.

          How does this help strengthen our relationship? In my own life I guess my husband and I would be labeled as a couple who has faced much adversity. We have experienced a lot of personal trials in our almost nine years of marriage. We have been through a lot of ups and downs. Sometimes you can be so happy you feel like you are going to explode, and other times you wonder am I ever going to get through this.  I remember before I was married and the bishop told my soon to be husband and I a very prominent thing. He said Satan always goes after the couples that Heavenly Father has great plans for. At first I didn't understand this concept very well, but I can assure you I do now. Satan will do anything he can to try and hurt a relationship. He will cause you to have fear, doubt, make you think you aren't good enough for each other, and so on. One of my biggest fears for awhile was I didn' t feel I was good enough for my husband so out of fear of him one day leaving me, I would do things to push him away. This is never good to think or feel. Heavenly Father brings two people together for a reason. He knows we are more then good enough for each other, so why should we feel differently? I think we need to really know and believe in our worth to Heavenly Father, and our partner! They both love us so much, we need to trust in this. Satan will always test us on this. I remember thinking some days that I was ready to quit. How could I endure one more thing happening to us? I was hurt, tired, and an emotional mess.  I remember thinking to my self does he even love me, is this going to work out? Why do we have to keep going through all of this. Then a soft voice whispered to me. I gave him to you, because I knew you would never give up on him, even when it's hard. This literally brought tears to my eyes. Here I was complaining about this problem, when Heavenly Father trusted me to be there to help one of his sons. He knew I was the one who could help him through his dark days, and never give up on him. He knew the struggles we were faced with would be hard. But as long as we had each other, we could make it through anything thrown our way. Satan thrives on our insecurities, we need to take the fear out of the relationship and let the Faith come in. So why does God allow struggles like this to happen? I believe he allows us to have these struggles to help better prepare us for the bigger ones that are coming. He doesn't do this to hurt us, he loves us. He doesn't want us to fail. He wants us to learn important things and grow from each struggle to better prepare us for what is ahead. He also allows this to happen so we can learn to trust in not only God, but one another as well.  It also helps us grow together. How else could we learn to come together as a team, the whole us against the world mentality? Each trial helps us become a lot closer to each other. It helps us learn our strengths and weaknesses as a couple, and what we need to improve on to help us better prepare when they come again. Don't let the struggle you're facing become more important then each other. Heavenly Father has promised us that he will never give us a burden we cannot bare. He loves us and of course he wants us to be happy, but he also wants us to be able to learn and grow together. If we never had trials thrown at us, how would our strength be tested as a couple? Of course there will be arguments and problems. It's how we learn to handle them that helps us grow. I think trials are what help define a relationship. It's not always about the happy, and that's ok. We need to have bad times to appreciate all the good times. This makes the good times even sweeter. Loving someone is loving them through the happy, the sad, good, bad, and even the ugly. If we hold tight to each other through all that we experience, it helps our love grow even stronger. It helps us become ready to face whatever challenges are up ahead. The hard times will come, and if we are there for each other, and work as a team we will better conquer them.

      How does this help us grow closer to God? If we were only given the happy days, how often would we turn to our Heavenly Father? Of course life would be easier if it were full of only happy times, but how would we learn? When we are faced with trials by praying together as a couple, it helps us become closer to him. We better learn of his plan for us as a couple and the plan he has for us individually. When going through our struggles as a couple, put your lives in Heavenly Father's hands. Trust that he can help you through anything you are faced with. Through the power of prayer ask for both of you to have patience with each other , a heart to be understanding & forgiving, help you let go of pride, and to always see the best in each other no matter what.  Alway keep Heavenly Father in your relationship. When he is apart of our relationship, he is able to protect it more. This helps us grow to trust in him, and know that when we are faced with trials we can always go to him together. He loves us, and wants the best for us. He is there to give us hope, faith, and whatever else we need during struggles. Trust him, he is always mindful of our needs and will never let us down.

    I think all of these things are very important to help us learn during the struggles we face in relationships. The things I have learned is never give up on the one you love no matter how hard it gets. Nothing worth having comes easy. Always show unconditional love, don't put unrealistic expectations on them. If they know you will have their back no matter what, they will come to you more when they themselves are struggling. You two are a team, always remember that. Your problems are his problems, and his are yours When you fight these battles together as a team instead of against each other, you will be more successful. There will always be some hurt, heartache, and tears during these struggles, but with that comes a lot of growth.You can face anything together with not only God on your side, but your partner as well. Remember through these hard times to communicate to your partner you may not like them or what they did at the moment, but you still love them. True love is always worth it,  love is worth the fight! Nothing is too broken it can't be fixed. Through the healing power of the atonement and through forgiveness, broken hearts can be healed. I pray that this post can help and encourage everyone to not be discouraged during trials, but learn from them together!
 

 I have started The Love Dare Challenge, to help strengthen my relationship. It is a 40 day challenge, so when I have finished it I will post my results. For all that have never heard about it, below is a link on where to find it.



http://www.amazon.com/Love-Dare-Alex-Kendrick-ebook/dp/B00BGEVWSI/ref=sr_1_1_ha?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1408666151&sr=1-1&keywords=the+love+dare

Great Talk! Below is a quote from a great talk by Henry B Eyring. I encourage you to read the talk, it's a good one!

Our Perfect Example

Henry B. Eyring

First, I give counsel to husbands and wives. Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion.

                           

With Faith, Hope, and Love Nothing is Impossible!!

                    So yesterday I had the feeling that I needed to post about the thoughts that are rolling around in my head. So here it goes. I have felt the Spirit so strong lately, and it brings my heart so much peace and joy. I am not going to go into detail about some of the things I have heard or felt, but just know God loves us and is involved in every detail of our lives.

                     I was driving to church yesterday when all of the sudden a light bulb went off in my head. An answer to a prayer that I have been searching for what seems like forever. Why do I have to deal with infertility? This has been one of the hardest challenges in my life, so why me Heavenly Father? It was yesterday driving to church that I received what I think is the answer to that burning question. I know you can handle it, you fight and never give up for all those you love or what you want. In that very moment a peaceful feeling came over me, and tears rolled down my cheeks. God wasn't punishing me, I have done nothing wrong. In fact I look at it, as he has so much Faith in me that he knows I will make it through this! For along time I have been somewhat angry with him, but those feelings of sadness and anger went away in that very moment. I have a whole new perspective on why this is happening to me. 
                  
                   So what now? Since Heavenly Father has given me this trial with confidence knowing I will never in fact give up, I am going to make him proud. I won't give up on my dreams of being a mother, I will learn what I need to learn through this trial, and in the end I will come out a better person. For I know I am a daughter of God! He loves me, he is involved in every detail of my life and through him I will be blessed. When I don't know, but I know that God always keeps his promises. Nothing is impossible through Faith, Hope, and Love.
                  
                   Right now I am learning and growing so much through the things he has taught me through the Holy Ghost. I feel through this trial I have learned to have more of a Father daughter relationship with him then I have ever had before. When I pray I feel him listening intently to my heart and soul. I hear his words to have peace, patience, and faith. This warms my heart like never before. He knows I want to be a mother, he knows the desires of my heart, and he is working behind the scenes to make his promise fulfilled to me. What an amazing blessing we have to talk to our Father in Heaven. He is always there for us. He loves us, and wants to protect us. He wants us to have the righteous desires of our hearts. So during those times of pain and struggles, remember this one thing. God loves you with all of his heart. When you truly believe that it will change your heart, it will cause you to have the trust and faith in him you need. Your heart will be changed forever, and you will realize he doesn't give you struggles to hurt you, but to help strengthen you. He has so much Faith in us, and knows we can get through it with his help.
                    
                  I am still learning, and growing through this trial. My heart is full of gratitude to my Heavenly Father for trusting in me, and having Faith that I can make it. There will still be hard days, there will still be sadness, but I know that through God's never ending love I can do this! I am a daughter of God, and with his help miracles do happen!

Feeling Blessed!!!

I haven't written on here for awhile, so I decided for a New Year's resolution to start writing a post at least once a month. Obviously I missed January so I am going to try much harder to meet this goal!
    
     My journey to having a baby has not been easy, but one thing has always stayed constant. My Heavenly Father has always been right there on the journey with me, at time I know he has even carried me through my darkest times. He is always there at times reassuring me through my dreams, or by just entering thoughts in my mind. I have had so many spiritual experiences that  I could never doubt the love my Heavenly Father has for me.
     
       On Saturday I was driving to my mom's house when all of the sudden I felt this strong reassurance that he was there, and he knows what my heart desires most. He then reminded me through my thoughts some of the things I have been told through this experience. Then I recieved a scripture that really made me think.
Moroni 7:42
Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope.

         This scripture really stood out to me, and was an answer to a prayer. Maybe just then Heavenly Father was trying to tell me, I needed to have hope again. Those two principles go hand in hand, so if I was losing Hope was I losing my Faith also? The Lord knew at that very time that my small ray of hope was dimming. He knew that my heart was starting to break all over again, and he knew what I needed. That scripture may seem small to some people, but to me it made all the difference in the world.
        I have had so many dreams lately of children lately, and those are strong reminders that the Lord is always there. He is always there, even when we don't know it! Always hold on to this Faith, and assurance that he is there. This will help you and will be a great comfort.

 

Hope

  So I know it's been forever since I have written on here. I think it's because when I first started this blog it was a way to vent all my emotional feelings. In the past little while I haven't felt the need to do so. I feel more at peace then I have in a long time. I think I am really growing and learning how to trust God.
    I have always known that God loves me. I have always known that I am a child of god, so what has changed? I haven't quite put my finger on the reason, yet in my heart I feel a great change within me.
    My heart feels fuller and more at peace. Although my arms still yearn for a baby of our own. I know with all of my heart that one day our dream of that will come true. How do I know this you ask? Because I have Faith that my Heavenly father answers my prayers. Faith that he knows what the desires of my heart are, and faith that he always keeps his promises.
     This has not been the easiest thing to learn. I have had my struggles, frustrations, and a whole lot of tears through out this process. A process that I would never in a million years thought I would have to go through. I have learned so much through this journey, and my husband and I have stayed strong. It hasn't been easy. My heart has been torn in half and broken for a long time now. My tears have stained my pillows, and sometimes I have become numb. What gets me through all this heartache and pain is my Faith in prayer.
     Prayer to a Heavenly Father who loves me, and who has promised me that one day our dream will come true. One day we will hold a beautiful child, and our hearts will be full. Prayer can be such a powerful thing. I have learned so much through my personal prayers with Heavenly Father.
     I have had my good days and bad days. Mother's Day is always the hardest for me, each year it gets harder and harder. The ache never truly goes away, but each day I feel a little stronger. For now I just have Faith and leave my life in God's hands.

What I have Learned

Wow I can't believe it has been this long since i have posted. Corey and I celebrated our 6th Anniversary on October 6th! Crazy how time flies! Other then that not much else has happened. I have been writing my book a little more, and we were still giving our selves a break from trying to have a baby.

In this time I have learned alot about myself. I have also realized more how much Heavenly
Father knows what we need, and when we need it!
I really learned that this week at work. I got a promotion at my job. It is a job I have been wanting, but I never pushed myself to apply for it . Now I know why. It wasn't the right time for me. So now I really realize, Heavenly Father knows more of when things are right for me, then I do. He really does mean that things will happen when the time is right, but it's not my timing it's his. So the best thing for me is to just let it go, and trust that he is going to let it happen when he knows the timing is right for me. I just really need to strengthen my Faith in him, and find out what he wants me to learn during this time. For so long it's like you say ok I am giving it to him, but are you really? Giving it to him means not that you give up, but that you are letting him take the load for awhile. That you are also saying to him, ok I am going to keep on doing what I need to, but I am not going to worry if it does or doesn't happen. Also saying I know you will do what is best for me right now, because I trust you with everything.
So for now I am giving Heavenly Father the load, and saying what do I need to learn right now?

Gratitude

So I just finished a book the other day, Not My Type by Melanie Jacobson. It was not only a funny romantic comedy, but it also has a good message in it. In the book the main character's father challenges her to write a thank you note to a different person every week. He tells her."If you can focus on the things you do have, the things that are going right for you, then maybe you won't worry so much about the things that sometimes don't." I think that is so true. Sometimes I think we get more caught up in the things we don't have rather then remembering the things we do have. We forget that we actually have so much to be grateful for. We forget as the book says that we have alot of things going right in our lives. I think if we would show more gratitude towards people, it could make a big difference in our lives. It would show us we truly do have things we have been blessed with. Our attitudes, and hearts would change.

Gratitude

So I just finished a book the other day, Not My Type by Melanie Jacobson. It was not only a funny romantic comedy, but it also has a good message in it. In the book the main character's father challenges her to write a thank you note to a different person every week. He tells her."If you can focus on the things you do have, the things that are going right for you, then maybe you won't worry so much about the things that sometimes don't." I think that is so true. Sometimes I think we get more caught up in the things we don't have rather then remembering the things we do have. We forget that we actually have so much to be grateful for. We forget as the book says that we have alot of things going right in our lives. I think if we would show more gratitude towards people, it could make a big difference in our lives. It would show us we truly do have things we have been blessed with. Our attitudes, and hearts would change.

Spiritual Patterns

I want to start this one off by saying, I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father. Sometimes we don't think Heavenly Father knows what is best for us. We want to have all the control, and we think things should come when we want them to. Heavenly Father sees the whole picture, where we do not. He knows when we need certain people or things to come into our lives. I remember before I met Corey. I was scared I would never find a husband. That trial at the time was a big test of my Faith. I wrote in my journal about a blessing I had. In the blessing it said that I would need this Faith for future trials in my life, and that I would see a pattern in this. Here I am 8 years later, and I am seeing that pattern again. So why do I fear? The last time I had a trial like this I recieved the most amazing reward, my husband. Sometimes we just need to step back and say ok Heavenly Father I trust you, and I leave this in your hands. You know whats best for me, and I need to trust that.

Growing and Learning

I know I say this every time, but I am so grateful for my friends and family! I really appreciate all the love and support they have shown me!
So far I have learned so much during this break. I have learned alot about myself. My strengths, weaknesses, and how to use some of the talents Heavenly Father has given me. It has been really nice to concentrate on other things, and not worry about the things I can't control. My husband has been amazing throughout this journey! He is my rock! This has definitely tried our marriage, but it has also made it stronger. I am so grateful Heavenly Father blessed me with such an amazing husband.
So I have also decided during this break that I want to learn some new skills. I want to learn how to make cake bites, scrapbook picture books, and crafty things for my house. I think this will be fun and get my mind off things. I also am working on a fiction novel. It has always been a dream of mine, to have a book published! So I am excited to work on making my dream come true!

I know I say this everytime, but I am so grateful for all my friends and family! They are truly amazing!