So my last blog I wrote a post on why I believe we have struggles in relationships. If you haven't read it yet, go read it I'll wait ha ha. For those of you that are reading this, I pray that you will get out of this what you are supposed to. I know and believe that Heavenly Father loves each of us, he is so mindful of your struggles. Trust him, he will never let you down.
Getting through struggles in a relationship are some of the greatest hardships we will face. They are never easy. I want to share with you some of the things I have learned through going through them myself, and I what I am still learning. I think one of my favorite books on relationships is by Dr. John Lund, called For All Eternity. This has been one of the biggest tools in my life that has helped me in my relationship with my husband. I will reference what I have learned both personally through Heavenly Father, and things that helped me from this book.
So how do we get through struggles with our partner? Well there really is not an easy solution for this. I think the biggest things are COMMUNICATION, COMPROMISE, APOLOGY, FORGIVENESS, PRAYER, and LOVE. Without these six things it is impossible to get through anything, but with these things possible to get through struggles. Lets break these six things out, and show how these are essential to have during struggles.
Communication: This is one of the most important things in a relationship period!! When we are going through struggles it is important to always communicate to each other. I read a quote once that said one calm talk can save a relationship, only if both are willing to participate. Let each other know your frustrations, but do it in a calm way. Never use your words as weapons to hurt each other. Words spoken in the heat of the moment, can sometimes do more damamge then we realize. The words that come out can be forgiven, but they are not always forgotten. Remember you are both in this together. One thing I am learning is don't take your stress and frustrations out on each other. It isn't fair to unload on your partner, when they are not the cause of it. Instead use them as a listening ear, they love you and want to be there for you. If you can't talk calmly go on a walk, run, or anywhere else where you can get hold of your emotions.
Compromise: So this is huge in my house. My husband and I are constantly doing this. In all honesty it saves so many arguments. I have had to learn it's not always about being right, but more about having peace. I think sometimes we just need to pick and choose our battles. Think to ourselves is this really worth fighting about? Sometimes we can do more damage by always having to be right, that it isn't worth it. Don't sweat the small things.You two are a team, it's better to fight the battle together then apart!
Apology: So I am trying to be better at this, but sometimes I have a tendency to be stubborn. I want my husband to be the one to apologize first, even though I may have been the one that egged it on.When I walk away I get on my knees and pray to Heavenly Father. I ask him to help open my heart to understanding, forgiveness, love, and to see the best in my partner. I let him know that I am mad right now, and to help take that anger from my heart. I would like to say this always happens, but I would be lying. Most of the time it ends up with me lashing out with words of hurt and anger. This goes on until we are exhausted and both feeling hurt, angry, and unloved. We say things we later regret and wish we could take back, but it's too late they have already come out. The damage has been done, and we are left feeling awful. So what then? I believe a heartfelt and sincere apology can go along way to help heal a broken heart. I read a quote that says: "The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. the first to forget is the happiest." This is so true, on that moment when I do apologize to my husband first I feel a weight has lifted off me. I think we sometimes we think if we say sorry everything will be ok. Truth is, sometimes it can be. What does I am sorry mean though? It means we will try not to do it ever again. When you apologize make sure it is heartfelt. Make it an apology you would want to hear. Don't be stubborn like me! Even if you aren't the one in the wrong, it helps show you care about the relationship more!
Forgiveness: In the book Dr. Lund tells you to write down all the things that your partner has hurt you with and literally bury it. Once you do this he says you can't bring it up again. Let it go fully, and watch how fast your heart will change. That is much harder then it sounds, trust me I have been there. I think my most favorite thing he says is what to do after. He says write a letter to your partner and tell them how much these things have hurt you, but end it with I forgive you. You can't write this letter until you are truly ready to forgive them. You can either read it aloud to them, or leave it somewhere they will find it. After they have read it and they come to you, look them in the eyes and say it again. I forgive you. There are no three words, except maybe I love you, and I am sorry that will mean more to them. I have done this, and honestly I can't even explain to you how powerful it was. How much our love grew even stronger after that very moment. This will bring more strength to your relationship then you will ever imagine. The Lord loves us and asks that we forgive always. By doing this we are showing him that Christ's atonement wasn't for nothing. This is the hardest thing you will have to do, but it is so worth it. I am not perfect at this, my husband says that it's almost like I have a file of all his wrong deeds stored. I sometimes use them to hurt him with it, just because I am lashing out and angry. I am learning from this each day. I have to remind myself to lock that drawer, so it can't be pulled out into my memory. This is one of the hardest things when you are struggling to not do. Words said in the heat of the moment can sometimes hurt those we love more then we know. Bury those weapons, they are not going to do anything for you except cause a lot of heartache and hurt.
Prayer: No one can help us more through these hard times then our loving Heavenly Father. All we have to do is ask for his help. I know when I ask Heavenly Father and put my burdens in his hands, he will. All we need to do is have Faith. By giving it over to our Heavenly Father we are saying, I have done all I can I need help. I think we also have to pray for our partners. Always pray to see the best in each other, pray for a love that makes their weaknesses seem small, and pray for their health and happiness. I know whenever I pray for my husband my heart swells with love and appreciation for him. Pray for each other that you will both soften your hearts, let the pain and bitter feelings out, and allow the love and forgiveness in.
Love: Always show your love for each other even when you are mad. You don't necessarily hate your partner just what they did. Love each other through it! There is a great power in unconditional love, it can help us get through anything. Be there for each other always, and love even when it's hard to! Always love through the good, bad, happy, sad, and even the ugly! There is nothing you two can't conquer together! Love is powerful let it fill your heart.
Now I am going to be real here. I honestly feel one of the biggest struggles in my life would be not feeling like I was good enough for my husband, and feeling the fact that we haven't been blessed with children is my fault. This has been a huge struggle in our marriage. This has caused friction in my marriage at times. The stress of the doctor bills, emotional strain, and everything that comes along with it has not been easy. There are days I want to stay in bed and cry, or go to bed so I can't feel that burning ache anymore. The only thing that gets me through those days is Faith. Faith in Heavenly Father's timing. Once you let go of the fear of whatever you are struggling with, and let the Faith in, your heart will change. Also knowing that you and your partner are a team. That you can face anything together, as long as you have each other. You are his and he is yours. Adopt the mentality that his problems are yours and vice versa. Always be there for each other, even if they aren't being loveable. I am learning through lots of faith, hope, love, forgiveness, and with the help of our loving Heavenly Father we can get through anything together. It just takes a lot of time, work, patience, and dedication! There will be hard days when you feel like there is no hope, and you want to give up. Never ever ever give up there is always hope! Always remember that true love can conquers all!
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