Gratitude

So I just finished a book the other day, Not My Type by Melanie Jacobson. It was not only a funny romantic comedy, but it also has a good message in it. In the book the main character's father challenges her to write a thank you note to a different person every week. He tells her."If you can focus on the things you do have, the things that are going right for you, then maybe you won't worry so much about the things that sometimes don't." I think that is so true. Sometimes I think we get more caught up in the things we don't have rather then remembering the things we do have. We forget that we actually have so much to be grateful for. We forget as the book says that we have alot of things going right in our lives. I think if we would show more gratitude towards people, it could make a big difference in our lives. It would show us we truly do have things we have been blessed with. Our attitudes, and hearts would change.

Gratitude

So I just finished a book the other day, Not My Type by Melanie Jacobson. It was not only a funny romantic comedy, but it also has a good message in it. In the book the main character's father challenges her to write a thank you note to a different person every week. He tells her."If you can focus on the things you do have, the things that are going right for you, then maybe you won't worry so much about the things that sometimes don't." I think that is so true. Sometimes I think we get more caught up in the things we don't have rather then remembering the things we do have. We forget that we actually have so much to be grateful for. We forget as the book says that we have alot of things going right in our lives. I think if we would show more gratitude towards people, it could make a big difference in our lives. It would show us we truly do have things we have been blessed with. Our attitudes, and hearts would change.

Spiritual Patterns

I want to start this one off by saying, I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father. Sometimes we don't think Heavenly Father knows what is best for us. We want to have all the control, and we think things should come when we want them to. Heavenly Father sees the whole picture, where we do not. He knows when we need certain people or things to come into our lives. I remember before I met Corey. I was scared I would never find a husband. That trial at the time was a big test of my Faith. I wrote in my journal about a blessing I had. In the blessing it said that I would need this Faith for future trials in my life, and that I would see a pattern in this. Here I am 8 years later, and I am seeing that pattern again. So why do I fear? The last time I had a trial like this I recieved the most amazing reward, my husband. Sometimes we just need to step back and say ok Heavenly Father I trust you, and I leave this in your hands. You know whats best for me, and I need to trust that.

Growing and Learning

I know I say this every time, but I am so grateful for my friends and family! I really appreciate all the love and support they have shown me!
So far I have learned so much during this break. I have learned alot about myself. My strengths, weaknesses, and how to use some of the talents Heavenly Father has given me. It has been really nice to concentrate on other things, and not worry about the things I can't control. My husband has been amazing throughout this journey! He is my rock! This has definitely tried our marriage, but it has also made it stronger. I am so grateful Heavenly Father blessed me with such an amazing husband.
So I have also decided during this break that I want to learn some new skills. I want to learn how to make cake bites, scrapbook picture books, and crafty things for my house. I think this will be fun and get my mind off things. I also am working on a fiction novel. It has always been a dream of mine, to have a book published! So I am excited to work on making my dream come true!

I know I say this everytime, but I am so grateful for all my friends and family! They are truly amazing!

Nana

Yesterday was the 6th anniversary of my sweet Nana's death. The day we had to say goodbye to her was one of the hardest I have ever had. My Nana was always there for me. She had a heart of gold. She always gave all she had to her family. My mom tells me stories about how she was one of the first people to meet me. We had a bond that couldn't be broken. Nana would give the best hugs! You always felt her love so strongly. This may seem impossible to some, but I have seen my sweet Nana in my dreams. She brings so much comfort to me. Sometimes I can even feel her near me. She came to me in my dreams with a beautiful little girl! I knew in that second she was mine. Nana didn't have to say it in my dream. I just felt so strongly about it, I still do. Even though she isn't here physically, I know she is helping me through this journey. I still feel her love and spirit near me. What a special gift that is. I love you Nana! You will always be in my heart and thoughts. Until we meet again......

Think Positive

So I tell my friend this all the time, think positive. How can I tell her that. When right now I don't do that myself. It's always easier said then done. I am still learning through this journey. I need to learn how to think positive about this journey. I need to stop thinking that this is happening to me to punish me. I know Heavenly Father loves me. I know I am a daughter of God. This is and has always been in the Lord's hands. It will happen in his time. I need to be positive and know that he knows what is best for me right now. I am sure this journey will be alot easier to go through, if I have a more positive attitude. By thinking positive, I think it will better help me grow throughout this journey. After all, Anything worth having is never easy..

Update

So Corey and I went to see our reproductive specialist Dr. Hatasaka today. We really like him! We have heard he has had great success! So we decided on a plan for us to start. Corey and I decided with the suggestion of Dr. Hatasaka to take a few months off the clomid. He says this will be good, and may help us. Doing this we have decided to take a break from trying to have a baby for these two months. I think we just need some time to breathe. This process is so emotionally draining that I really feel this will be good for us, and for our marriage. Sometimes you just have to step back and focus on other important things. Over these next few months I am going to work on strengthening my Faith, my marriage and my relationship with my Heavenly Father. We know we could have a long emotional road ahead of us, but I am so grateful to be taking this journey with my husband. Who is the love of my life and my best friend. This journey has only made us stronger, and I am so grateful to have him by my side through this.

Being Grateful

So going through this trial, I think I have lost sight of the the little things. The little things I need to be grateful for. I have a wonderful husband, who will do anything and everything for me. Whether its a midnight Ibprofen run, or something as simple as calling and texting me each day to say I love you. No matter what he is always there for me. I have an amazing family and wonderful friends. My sister told me the other day that my little niece Molly, wants to go to the animal place (zoo) with her Aunt Amie for her birthday. We went when they came up here last month, and apparently it made a huge impression on her. She told her her mom she had such a fun time with her Aunt Amie. How could that not make my heart melt. I also have the cutest little dog! Sometimes you lose track of these things, and worry about what you don't have. When really I look at my life, and God has blessed me with so much! I should be grateful for that, and when the time is right we will have the children we were promised.

Faith

So first of all I want to thank my amazing friends, husband, and family for always being there to support me. I really appreciate those who have listened to me shed tears, have offered their shoulder to cry on, and who have always given me strength. I couldn't get through this with out you. I feel so blessed and grateful to have all of you in my life. I love you all! I am doing a little better since my last post, sorry if it worried any of you. I am still emotional , and my heart still aches. I have been praying and reading my scriptures tonight and I am starting to realize why I am on this journey. I believe this is a journey to test my Faith. I think God wants to know if I trust him enough to have Faith in him. Do I have the Faith that Nephi or all the others in the Book of Mormon had to have? If not I know that is the kind of Faith I need to have to get through this. Heavenly Father gives us these trials to strengthen us. Maybe just maybe he has given me this trial to strengthen my Faith in him.

Good Days and Bad Days

I am going to warn you now that I have good days and bad days. Unfortunately today is one of those bad days. My bad days consist of feeling like my heart is breaking. I find myself crying for no reason. As the tears slip down my cheek, I send a cry to Heaven saying when? When will it be my turn? When will this deep heart ache ever stop? The longing for a child is like an ache you have never felt before. A dream that seems out of reach, and a promise that seems forgotten. Sometimes I feel like I have cried every tear imaginable. Sometimes I just want to scream. I don't like having these days, but they do come. I know Heavenly Father is always here for me, but on these bad days it can be forgotten. I am having a bad day today, but hopefully tomorrow will be one of the good ones. Hopefully the tears will stop, and I will remember it's in his hands.

Just a Thought

So I am sitting her with my puppy, thinking is this ache ever going to get easier? What can I do to make it a little easier to get through each day? The answer is be grateful for what I do have right now, and not to worry about what I don't have.
This of course is easier said then done.
Each day can be a struggle, but remembering that God has a hand in this can definitely take some of the pain away. It helps you really understand that God is always here for you. Even though sometimes it seems he has left your side and is not listening, its not true. God works in mysterious ways. Maybe if I stop worrying about why not and can understand why, it will make the purpose of this trial alot clearer. Maybe the timing is off or maybe something still needs to be learned. All I can do is have Faith that Heavenly Father knows what is best for me, and trust that whatever it is it's for my own good right now.

Our Journey

Corey and I have been married for almost 6 years. We actually met on LDS chat if you can believe it. We were friends for about 6 months, until everything changed with a challenge. My neighbor challenged me to meet Corey. I had to do it within the hour, or she said she would call him for me. The best decision of my life was taking her up on that challenge. Corey and I met at Thanksgiving point in November 2004, and became engaged on May 11th 2005. We were married in the Salt Lake temple on October 6th 2005. This was such an amazing day! Well we decided it would be best to wait for a couple of years before starting a family. We thought it would be easy, boy were we wrong.
We have been trying to start our family now for 3 1/2 years, this has had its ups and downs. Sometimes I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. This is one of the hardest trials I have had in my life. It has also been a very spiritual and sort of enlightening one, if that makes sense? I think I have grown more closer to my Father in Heaven then I have before. You honestly grow so much spiritually through this. Although my heart never stops aching for a baby, I know it is in his hands. He is always been there for me, so why wouldn't he be now?
We started out on a fertilty drug called clomid, it wasn't really working though. So my doctor sent me to a fertility specialist. He did a sonogram and found what he thought was a small mass. This was so scary, because we had no idea what to expect. My doctor ordered an ultrasound and they discovered that mass they thought was small, wasn't so small. It was the size of a basketball, no I am not kidding. They had to get it out and quick. 2 weeks later I was scheduled for surgery. The surgery went very well and they were able to remove it. Now we are back on clomid, hoping that the mass was a factor in us not getting pregnant. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father though, I can't even imagine getting pregnant and having that mass. He definitely knew that we weren't supposed to be pregnant.
So what now? Well like I said we are back on clomid, and all we can do is have Faith and leave it in our Heavenly Father's hands.
I wanted to share with you my thoughts throughout this journey in hopes that it will be a help to me through this emotional time, and also to others. This is very hard to write about, but hopefully someday I can look back on this amazing journey. Hopefully I can remember everything I have learned through this trial.