Today I have been inspired to talk about having Faith and trusting in Heavenly
Father. This can be one of the hardest things one will face for many reasons.
Having Faith is never an easy task. At times it can feel nearly impossible. How
does one trust and have Faith in someone they have never seen? How do
we build our Faith and trust? These are all questions often asked.
While I might not have all the answers for these, I would like to share
experiences in my life with you where I have learned to do these things.
Although the roads to learning these things weren't always easy, I
can promise you one thing they were and still are worth it. I treasure my
relationship with my Heavenly Father. When I pray I know he is really listening,
I know he knows my heart, fears, hopes, dreams, and he knows my needs. I am not
here to tell you I have mastered this, because to be honest just like everyone
else I am still learning and growing. I hope and pray that as I share with you
the experiences that have tried, tested and made my faith grow that something I
say can help you in your life challenges as well.
I was adopted when I was a few days old, and while some may think that is easy
let me tell you it can actually be hard. When I got old enough to truly
understand what that meant, at times I had a really hard time with issues of
feeling abandoned, not wanted, and just plain hurt. I wanted to know what was
wrong with me, why didn't my biological mother want me? This led to me pushing
people away when they would try and get close. I felt that if I left first, I
wouldn't feel that horrible ache of not feeling wanted. When in actuality I was
only hurting myself and the relationships around me. Those around me were never
going to leave me, they loved me. I had a really hard time trusting that
anyone would want to be in my life. I felt insecure, and that I wasn't worth
being loved. Those were some very dark and scary times. I pushed more people
away, then I care to admit. I had that deep fear of people leaving so deeply
rooted in my heart that I had a hard time letting people in and trusting them.
Then one day I remember praying and feeling God's love so strong it had me
in tears. I began to understand that my biological mother did love me, and that
when she gave me up it was out of pure love. That God had directed me to a
different path, her purpose was only to be a vessel to bring me to the family I
was meant to have. This helped me to start realizing I was worth it, and that
Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and every one of them is different.
By trusting him I would learn the path he wants me to be on, and by exercising
that Faith it would help me get there. I also learned that
during times I feel my doubts, fears, and heartaches taking
over, that I can turn it over to him. While I would love to tell you my
insecurities have totally gone away, I can't. I can only tell you it has gotten a
little easier, but I know who I am. I am a daughter of God, and he loves me. That helps me in more ways I can explain.
Throughout
my life I have experienced great heartaches, hardships, and true faith
builders. I think all of these have truly prepared me for what I am going
through now, which I will get to in the next paragraph.
My husband and I made the decision to start our family after we had been
married for three years. We felt this would give us time to get to know each other
better, and to help us strengthen our relationship. We figured when we were
ready, kids would just come. That's how it happens right? Oh how we were wrong.
We tried for a year like the doctor told us to, and nothing happened. I
remember feeling worried, scared, heartbroken and wondering once again
what was wrong with me? We tried fertility medicines and each month I
would have to check my temperature. Then every month I would think, this is the
one. I would get so excited and think that I was pregnant, that the test would
be different this month. Then reality would sink in with that little strip NOT
PREGNANT it would say time after time. Those days were the hardest. I would cry
all day, and just want to be left alone. I would wonder why is Heavenly Father
doing this to me? I started to blame Heavenly Father and felt so helpless. I
had many dreams where I saw my future kids, but why weren't those
kids coming? My hope and faith faded. I became bitter at anyone who
would get pregnant. I had a hard time getting up in the morning and having
motivation to do pretty much anything. Time went on like this for quite a while.
My doctor told u that she would advise seeing a specialist. A small glimmer of
hope came back, this doctor would help us. Once again we were told to go on
those medicines, and I had to have more tests done. I felt like a pin cushion
and lab rat. My heart grew heavier every day. I felt lost, and blamed myself
for not being able to bring kids to our family. The pain was indescribable.
Then one day the doctor found a large cyst on my ovary and I needed to have
surgery for it to be removed. I was told that if it hadn't been found it
would have continued to enlarge and could cause serious health problems or
possibly death. It was a good thing I didn't get pregnant
or it could have killed me. This was a scary reality for me. While I
was recovering from this major surgery I had time to really evaluate things in
my life. I think that was a serious turning point for me. I started to realize
the Lord was really aware of me, and was trying to protect me by not getting
pregnant. After I had recovered and was ready to try again, still nothing
was working. I felt my heart sinking and that I was going back into that pit of
despair. One day I was on my knees bawling and pouring my heart out to Heavenly
Father. I was praying to him to help me, help my heart to change, and grow
stronger Faith in him. I didn't want to be sad anymore. I wanted to be a mom so
bad it hurt. I will never forget that moment when it felt like his arms were
around me, calming me, and telling me it will be ok. My children were special
and needed time to prepare for these days, that my dreams were real and that I
would be blessed as long as I trusted in him. I felt like I was talking to a
father and I knew he was listening, that he truly loved me. This once again
helped me to gain faith and trust in him.
Even though we still haven't been able to have a baby, I still hold the hope
and faith in my heart that our dreams will one day come true. We are going to
see a new specialist next month and I feel that this could be an answer to our
prayers. I have felt the love my Heavenly Father has for me so strong lately,
that it can't be denied. I know we have a long road to go still, but I also
know that Heavenly Father is in control. To me this is a very comforting
thought. I know if I trust him and continue on with Faith in him everything
will be ok.
Although the road to gaining Faith and trust in my Heavenly Father has not
been easy, I wouldn't change anything about it. I know he has given me these
trials, hardships and heartaches in my life to help me learn and grow. That
without these trials I would not have the knowledge, faith, and trust in my
Heavenly Father that I have. I have also learned Satan will do anything to stop
God's plan for us. He will make things so hard we want to give up, he will try
and take away our faith and trust, and he will remind us of our
doubts, fears, and worries. He does not want us to be happy, because he isn't
happy. Always remember by putting your Faith, trust, and hope in our Heavenly
Father anything is possible. He makes what we think is impossible become
possible. Heavenly Father loves you, he wants you to be happy, but just like
any other father he also wants you to grow. By giving us trials, heartaches,
and hardships this will help our faith grow. It will stretch us, mold
us, and help us become the person he knows we can be. We will begin
to trust him and we will know that when we have done everything we can, to give
it to him and he will do what we can't. He will lighten our burdens, and will
calm our fears. All things are possible through him. We need to believe that,
trust that, and find hope in that. Nothing worth having is ever easy, but it
sure is worth it!
