I have been wanting to write for awhile now, but I haven't really known what to say. So I am trusting God to help me write this. The last year was hard. It was so full of so many ups & downs. Although it was hard, I truly found my greatest strength.
Even when I felt like giving up and that God had abandoned us, I came to understand he truly was there. He was working behind the scenes through it all. Even though I didn't get the miracle I wanted at this time, I got another miracle. I received the strength I needed. I received the hope and faith to never give up my dreams. I developed trust in a loving Heavenly Father, and I gained the strength I never knew I had within myself.
Month after month, heart break after heartbreak I gained the strength to keep going. I would get down on my knees with tears rolling down my face and pray for him to let me be a mother. My heart felt completely broken and I felt such incredible sadness. It's times like those when I felt arms around me giving me strength to keep going and knowing that I was loved unconditionally. He loved me, he was there for me, and all I needed to do was trust him. I needed to trust his timing in all things, and to completely trust in him I needed to let go. Let go of my control, and let him take control. I was tired, heartbroken, confused, scared and sad. How could I live a happy life when all I had felt was sadness. I wanted my life back and I wanted to be happy again. I didn't want the heavy burden anymore. I just wanted peace. Now I look back and see he gave that to me. He just gave it to me in a way I wasn't expecting.
Although at the time I didn't realize all the lessons I was learning, I now see. Sometimes we think we have to show him what we truly want, and keep fighting for it no matter what. But the real lesson is he already knows, and we don't have to do it alone. We don't have to do it all by ourselves, that is what part of the Atonement is for. Jesus has been through it all. He knows every single heartbreak I faced last year. He was there though holding my hand, pushing me to never give up, and letting me know I wasn't alone in this. I have felt his hand and his love throughout this journey.
Whether I am on my knees or listening to church music his message is always clear, you are my child and I am here. One day I was listening to a song I sang in Young Women's all the time.
Walk Tall you're a daughter a child of God be strong please remember who you are, try to understand you're part of his great plan he's closer then you know reach up he'll take your hand.
I could go on, but the message is clear he loves us and is always there. So how did I ever feel like I was alone in this? Heavenly Father has given me strength through his unconditional love for me. My Faith in that has kept me strong through the hard times and kept me going.
I think I have been scared to leave it all in his hands, out of fear not faith. I have been feeding my fears and not my faith. Through this whole entire journey I have seen miracles. So why didn't I just have Faith in him? Why didn't I let my faith get strengthened and my fears shrink? He asks us to give it all to him and to trust him with all our hearts, so why didn't I? It's one thing to say it, but another thing to actually do it. I think I was scared that if I did I would feel like I was moving on from this, that I was giving up, but that's not it at all. By actually leaving this in his hands I am finally putting my Faith into my actions. I am letting go of the things I can't control and letting Heavenly Father take it over. I need to use the trust I have learned to have in him with my whole entire heart. I need to trust in him fully and completely. He has never let me down, and through this I see he has always kept his promises. They didn't come when I expected them to, or in a way I expected them to come, but they came how he wanted them to come.
So now I am going to start praying for something that I should have all along and that is to have peace in knowing that it's in his hands. To know that he knows what's best for me and when I am meant to be a mother it will happen. As I write this I feel a deep burden taken off my shoulders. I feel I can keep going, keep trusting, and most of all I feel a deep peace. I feel peace in knowing I have truly done all I can in this, and now it's time to put my faith into action. To trust fully and completely in my Heavenly Father's timing. This doesn't mean I am giving up, it just means I am letting God take the reins now.
