Setbacks can be Blessings in disguise!

              Here we go again! I feel like I say this way too often. Last month we had a little bit of a setback, but the more I look at it maybe it was a blessing.
              On July third I went to my first scheduled ultrasound to get the ok to move forward. Unfortunately the ok never came. The nurse told me I had to go on birth control, because I had a cysts on each side. This news at the time was devastating to me. I left the office and when I got to my car called my mom and just cried. Tears of frustration, heartbreak and sadness. I kept saying it's not fair. I felt my Faith slipping away. I got home and I just felt numb. My heart just hurt. I wondered how I could keep doing this. One disappointment after another was happening. The wise thing would to get down on my knees and pray; I get so much comfort from that. In a way I felt betrayed and didn't want to pray.
               One of my friends who has always been there through everything with me text me or called me and said something that made me really think. What if I needed a break from all these medicines. I had been taking my metformin for forever. What if my body just needed a break from it all. Thinking about that changed everything. Instead of a disappointment I looked at this as a blessing.  I got down on my knees and thanked my Heavenly Father for yet another lesson to learn and grow from.
               When Corey got home we talked about it all. While he was disappointed and hurt like me; we both knew we needed a break. So we decided no more baby talk. We would take this month to recharge and enjoy being with family. My sisters and their kiddos were coming so we had planned so many fun things. Which made this another blessing, because I wasn't always sick from the medicine and could enjoy them! So maybe that is why things were happening as well. Maybe Heavenly Father knew this was the only way to truly enjoy being with the kiddos. Being off all my crazy hormonal medicines. I just needed to have Faith in his timing and that he knew more then I did. He truly saw the bigger picture, and for that I truly feel blessed.
               We have had the best time since they have been here. We had parties, went to the zoo, made gummy bears, cupcakes, gone to the mountains to make smores, gone shopping, Gardner village, and even made them a homemade carnival. We packed all this in and had so much fun!
Being with them has truly helped heal my sad and broken heart. Hearing them say I love you to the moon and back, and seeing their sweet smiles have made my heart feel full again. Children really are the best medicine.
              Now we are ready and recharged to try again. We have gotten the go ahead and my first injection was today. So here we go again. This time my perspective has changed a little. I am seeing the setbacks as blessings now. I take each positive victory and hold tight to it. I don't know if this will work, but I do know I will be a mother. I know this promise from Heavenly Father has been given to me. I know this heartache has given me strength and faith I never knew I had. I also know that my Heavenly Father loves me and only wants what's best for me. His plan for me is greater than my own. He has a beautiful plan for me and can see what I can't. So I will be a mom, I just don't know when. So we will leave it all in his hands. Their is a great comfort in knowing you have done all you can do, and he will take over the rest.
             Thank you everyone for your strength, love, prayers, and support. We honestly couldn't do this without you. Your comforting words and love help us move forward. Your prayers are felt and we feel so blessed to have such an amazing support system. Please keep us in your prayers this is a big week for us. We love you all so much!

He never said it would be easy, he just said it would be worth it!

             

He never said it would be easy, he only said it would be worth it!

                           These last couple of weeks have not been easy. In fact they have been extremely hard. I want to keep it real and always remember everything I have learned. Let me take you back to that Friday, when my Faith was tested

                            I woke up at 5:00 a.m. and got my injection and said a quick prayer before I started. I quickly got the injection ready and gave myself the shot. It hurt a little, but sometimes you do what you've got to do! I went to work, and kept praying that this shot would work. The shot is to help the eggs grow faster.

                           After work my mom was there waiting to take me to my appointment Corey had to work, so I have been grateful that my mom can come with me. I prayed in the bathroom of the center and felt ready for the ultrasound. I was waiting to hear the good news that my eggs were ready, and it was time to schedule the IUI. That news never came. The egg follicle was on the left side, the side where I had no tube. I got instructions from the nurse that maybe this would happen naturally that the egg could float over and the right tube could pick it up, but it was such a hard pill to swallow. I felt my body had failed me again; I smiled and held a brave face while the nurse told me the instructions. I held it all in until we left the building. I looked over at my mom with the tears starting to trickle out of my eyes. Then it was if a dam was bursting and I let it all out I cried my heart out. My heart felt broken and lost. My mom was so supportive and just let me cry, she listened to me relay my feelings and sob. It's not fair, kept coming out of my mouth, how could this be. I was supposed to be my right side this time; I skipped a month of treatment, because this was supposed to be the right month. My mom kept whispering honey its ok, don't give up. It wasn't ok though, I was hurt broken and felt so broken.

                          She dropped me off and I cried for what seemed like forever. I tried to call my sisters, but no one would answer. Then it dawned on me, I hadn't talked to my Heavenly Father yet. I quickly sunk to my knees and let the tears flow. My heart was broken I felt I wanted to give up, my hope was fading fast I poured out my heart to him. I let him know all the hurt and heartache I was feeling. I wanted peace and faith to keep going. I needed to have hope again. I felt so emotionally drained and tired. I wanted to give up, so the pain would just go away. Then it felt like a warm hug was surrounding me, peace was entering my heart. I knew my Heavenly Father was there, he was helping me through all this heartache and pain. I felt loving arms wrap around me, telling me it will be ok. I felt so loved in that moment, I knew everything would be ok in time. My tears kept flowing, but peace was starting to surround me. My Heavenly Father loves me. I felt his love and I thought what must he be feeling seeing one of his children so sad, so ready to give up. I knew it was hard on him as well. How he must feel when anyone is struggling or in pain. That must be so hard to bare for him. I know he loves each of us unconditionally. He hurts when we hurt; he feels all our emotions of happiness, pain and sorrow. Just like a father would. He loves us, never ever forget that. He hears you, and he will never leave you comfortless.

                        After my prayer my hope was becoming restored. I knew his promises were still true. He answered my prayers, but not the way I expected. Every time after the prayer he sent angels in the forms of my sisters and friends sending me messages of hope telling me I was strong and not to give up. They meant so much to me and gave me so much strength. My heart was becoming full with peace and love. I knew I wasn't alone, that I would always have people there for me. To love me, pray for me, and just support me. Corey came home and I told him what happened. He was supporting and loving and comforted me the best way, by making me laugh. He always knows how to make me smile, and I feel so incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful man by my side. He is always there to make me smile and he knows what I need. He is my rock and I am so grateful that Heavenly Father blessed me with such an amazing husband.

                         It has been a week now since that dreaded day. My dad gave me a beautiful blessing full of peace, love and hope. I am a slow learner, but I am learning to trust my Heavenly Father. It is one thing to say you trust him, but another thing to actually do it. So I am left with a choice, do I keep letting this eat at me, worry me, and make me fall apart, or do I trust in someone who can help me through it all. Heavenly Father has a beautiful plan for my life. He brings me peace instead of fear, faith instead of worry, and he loves me unconditionally. I want to be me again. I want to write, read, craft, and do all the fun things I love. I don't want to be sad, fearful and feel so alone. So I am going to do just that. I am going to write, read, craft, and just be me. I am going to be there for others, and be the person my Heavenly Father knows I can be. I am going to leave all the heartache, fear, and hurt in his hands. He has asked us to let him take our burdens, and this time I am going to do it. I am going to trust in my loving Heavenly Father with my full heart, and know his blessings are true and so real. I need to accept that Corey and I have done all we can, and leave the rest to the Lord. It's not about giving up, it's about letting God take over.

                         Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Your love, support, messages, texts, phone calls, and prayers help me so much. They truly are felt and keep me strong. Your love means so much to me, I am so incredibly grateful for all of you. You bring me hope and are true answers to my prayers. I feel so blessed to have such an amazing support system. I love you all and could not be more blessed to have you in my life Thank you for letting me share my story and supporting us on this journey. I am not giving up my hope to be a mother. I believe with all my heart that it will happen when the time is right, but for now I am letting someone else take control. He never said it would be easy, he only said it would be worth it. Remember what comes after the storms, a beautiful rainbow.


Moses 6:34

34 Behold my Spirit is upon you, wherefore all thy words will I justify; and the mountains shall flee before you, and the rivers shall turn from their course; and thou shalt abide in me, and I in you; therefore walk with me.

Prayers and Peace

                              

                            This isn't exactly the update I was hoping to write. Of course I was hoping to have great, amazing, wonderful news, but that isn't the case. 

                            As I approach this crazy week, I wanted to reflect on my feelings of the last round. It was such an emotional month full of unknowns. I have to give my self medicine injections.  If you know me, you know I am terrified of needles. So the thought of giving myself shots scared me to death. I remember waking up at 5:30 getting ready to give myself the shot. My hands were shaking and I was terrified. I quickly set up all the medicine and got my ice ready. Then I went one two three and it was done. That wasn't so bad I thought. I went to my appointment to find out if the eggs were grown, and they weren't. I remember worrying they wouldn't ever grow, I was so scared. I prayed my heart out that weekend, and by the next appointment they had grown. I was so happy, I was hoping this was a sign and everything would work out. That night I was supposed to give myself another shot. This time I thought I was ready, but I was so nervous I forgot . I called my mom in a panic. She calmed me down and told me she would be over to help. These things are on such a timeline I got so worried that I was past my time. I called my sister Allie, and she guided me through each step. I finally got the medicine in and called my mom back. She stayed on the phone with me until I had given myself the shot. I am so grateful for my mom and sister, they took the time to help and comfort me when I needed it most.
                                The IUI was scheduled on Wednesday, I was so nervous. It was such a crazy day it was snowing outside, what a beginning to the day. We got down to Pleasant Grove and I had the procedure. They told us it would be 2 weeks, and we go back to get a blood test.
                                Two weeks came and I woke up excited. I was hoping with all my heart that the test would be positive, I thought for sure. It was around noon when they called us back with the results. We were at the car wash of all places. She said I am sorry, but the test was negative. I remember feeling numb, but just saying ok thank you. I tried to act so strong, but my heart was breaking. I called my sister Julie to let her know that I wasn't pregnant. Then the tears came, they poured down my cheek. I was heartbroken and so sad. It was such a hard moment, and my sister just let me cry. She even cried with me a little bit. It was so hard to stop the tears. My heart felt a little empty,an d I just wanted it so bad. My heart hurt so bad that day, but I wanted to be strong. I guess sometimes we can't always be strong. Sometimes we just have to cry.  Later that day I got down on my knees and just opened up my whole heart to Heavenly Father. I told him that my heart was broken, that I was so sad, and that all I wanted to be was a mother. As the tears continued to pour down my cheeks, I started to feel some peace. I pictured my Heavenly Father weeping right beside me. I truly felt his loving arms around me, and his pure love for me. At that moment I knew I would never be alone. That no matter what my Heavenly father was there for me, and would bless me.
                               So here we enter into the next month of unknowns. I got to be honest even though I have been through this before, I am still scared. This month I have to give myself two injections, but I know I can do this. I know that my Heavenly Father will be there with me through this, as well as my husband and family. I don't feel alone. I have learned so much through this trial. I have learned how much love and support I truly have, it has strenghthened my faith, and I truly know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I feel his love and I know he is always there. This round I am going to pray more for peace in his plan for me. I am still learning the whole patience and putting it in Heavenly Father's hands, it is so much easier said then done. I am going to try my hardest to do it. Please keep us in your prayers this week. I truly believe in the power of prayer, and we could really use it this week. My heart is full and I am working on feeling peace. One thing is for sure I know that no matter what happens, Heavenly Father keeps his promises. He fulfills them in his time not ours. Thank you everyone for your love, support and prayers. We truly feel it, and feel so blessed.


I Dream of you

 At night I see you in my dreams...
You have the sweetest little face
Your little fingers hold onto mine
My heart begins to slowly melt,
being in that happy place
You look into my eyes, you already
hold a piece of my heart.
I hold you in my loving arms, I rock
you fast asleep. My eyes fill up
with tears. They land softly on your
cheek.
My heart is full of love for you my
precious little one. I trust with all
my heart, that when the time is
right you will finally come.
For right now your in Heaven,
learning all you need to know.
Heavenly Father has a plan for us,
he'll send you when it's your time
to go.
So I will hold you in my
dreams for now my precious
child.
Know that you are already
loved and wanted more then you
know.
We can't wait for you to finally be
here so we can watch you learn and
grow.
By Amie Aycock

My Jorney and what I am learning!

                        So I have had a lot of people ask how things went on Wednesday, so I decided to write a recap of this last month. I wanted to document this journey not only to help others along the way, but to remind us of it is well. We have and are still learning so much from this journey. We want to thank everyone once again for supporting, loving, and praying for us. Without your love and support we couldn't get through this.


                        Round 2: Last month we were not able to do the IUI. The medicine worked and everything, just on the wrong side. So here we are now in the middle of round 2. Each round is very precise and has it's own calendar. It always consists of  ultrasounds, medicines, and injections.

                       The first ultrasound checks everything to give us the go ahead to move forward. Then comes the worst part for me anyway, the bravelle injection shot. For those of you who know me, know that I am deathly afraid of needles, so boy have I learned through this. My mom had given it to me last month, but she was away in Oklahoma. So it was all up to me.

                         I woke up at 5:30 that morning and prepared for battle. I got the medicine all ready, numbed the heck out of my skin with ice and popped it in. I was actually so proud of myself, I had actually done it. That was huge for me, I was just glad it was over. That injection definitely isn't my favorite it makes me ache, hungry, moody, and just plain hurts. So I went to work prepared with my rice packs I had frozen. Those helped out.

                        The next day comes the ultrasound where they check the follicles to see if the eggs are growing. Unfortunately it hadn't grown enough so another ultrasound was scheduled the next Monday. I was sad, and almost lost hope. Then I felt a voice telling me to have Faith, that all was not lost.  Monday came and I remember praying extra hard and asking my friends and family for prayers. I know how strong the power of prayers are, and I needed all the strength I could get. I said a little prayer before the nurse came in to do the ultrasound. Then is when we got the much anticipated news, we had a follicle that had grown big enough, and we could move forward to the IUI. Words can't express the gratitude and love I felt for my Heavenly Father for getting us to that point. I felt so incredibly loved and knew that he was with me along this journey. I was also so grateful to everyone for their prayers and support. Heavenly Father was placed so many wonderful and amazing people in our lives that have always been there for us. My heart felt so full and my faith was strengthened.

                       I was told I needed to give myself an HCG shot that releases the eggs. I was told this needed to happen at 9:00 p.m. I was nervous, scared, but ready to take on this new challenge. Before it was time I said a quick prayer and went to preparing for the injection. I learned a very valuable lesson with this one though. I started to do the injection just like the lady showed me, when all the sudden I couldn't get the fluid into the syringe, so I completely panicked. I called my mom in a complete panic, and she offered to come over and help me. Right then I learned that if there is something Satan doesn't want to happen, he will do anything to stop it. He was there making me doubt myself, panic, and worry. It wasn't until I took a step back and realized what was going on that I could hear the Holy Ghost whisper and tell me what to do. I needed to have faith and believe in myself and know that I could do this. I calmed myself down and called my sister Allie. She walked me through and I was able to get the fluid into the syringe. I then called my mom to let her know I had figured it out, and she stayed on the phone with me until I had given myself the shot. Her love support and reassurance that I could do it helped me accomplish it. I am so incredibly grateful and blessed to have her.

                      Wednesday was the big day. I remember waking up with so much excitement, nervousness and pure joy that this could finally happen. Corey and I made the drive down to Pleasant Grove for the procedure. I remember it was snowing pretty hard and I prayed for the Lord to help me remember how to get back to the center, because we had gone to breakfast before and didn't know how to get back there. We aren't very familiar to Pleasant Grove, so I was a little worried. We went down a couple of roads I was guided to go down, and sure enough we found it again. I knew that it was my Heavenly Father that guided us back to where we needed to be. I said a little prayer before the procedure began letting my Heavenly Father know that I was leaving this in his hands, and that if it be his will that this would work. The procedure went well, and now we are left to wait until the 29th of April to find out if it worked.

                    I honestly don't know if this will work, but I have Faith that whatever is supposed to happen will. Heavenly Father has made me promises and I know they will happen, but in his time not mine. I know that through it all he has been right by my side. He has wiped away my tears, calmed my fears, strengthened my Faith, and helped my heart to grow. I know he is there, I know he loves me, and I know with all my heart that he is my father. My faith has grown so much during this trial, and I know that I was meant to have it. The Lord works in mysterious ways, but he always knows what's best for us. I have learned to trust him with all my heart. This trial has only strengthened my testimony that he lives, that he loves me, and that his son, my Savior Jesus Christ has experienced everything I am going through. whether big or small. I know that one day I will be a mom, and I can't wait for that day. I have had many blessing given to me through out this, and I have truly felt the power of the priesthood. I feel so very blessed and grateful to have it in my life. One thing is always so constant in every blessing and that is that he loves me and that he hears my prayers. What amazing words of comfort, faith, hope and love. I am his daughter and he knows the desires of my heart. This knowledge gives me so much comfort and helps me through each day. I am so grateful for the strength and courage he has given me through all of this. I know that this trial is not yet over, but I also know that with his help I can get through anything. We are leaving this in our Heavenly Father's hands, what better place for it to be in. If I could help anyone going through this I would tell them this never ever give up, keep going, and keep the hope alive in your heart no matter what. Also have Faith in your Heavenly Father and trust in his plan for you. Always remember that with him by your side you can get through anything. Thank you all for being on this journey with us. Thank you for your love, prayers and support. We feel every single one of them. Our hearts are full of love and appreciation to you all!


                
                      
                       

Update on our Journey!!

                          I wanted to share our story of what we have been going through with this

 fertility journey of ours. This has been one of the biggest trials and heartaches in my life, so let me start from the beginning.

                         Every girl yearns to be a mommy from the time they are little playing with their dolls. They long for the day when they can be married and start their own beautiful family. After all that's what's supposed to happen right? You get married and start a family. I wish this was the case for us right now.

                          Corey and I have been trying to start our family for about 6 years. Our journey began when I found out I had PCOS. Something that is very common for infertility. A doctor explained the basics to me my hormones are out of balance, which makes it hard to get pregnant. Finding that out was honestly a shot in the gut. It was scary frightening, and not something I could fathom. Now that I know more about it, it is not as scary. This is one of the most common infertility causes and the most treatable. Through medicines such as clomid and other prescriptions, this can be helped.

                        My doctor put me on clomid several times and we still didn't see any results. This has been so disheartening. Many nights and days I would just cry. My heart just aches to hold a baby in my arms, to be someone's mommy, and to know they are mine forever.

Sometimes I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. This is one of the hardest trials I have had in my life. It has also been a very spiritual and sort of enlightening one, if that makes sense? I think I have grown more closer to my Father in Heaven then I have before. You honestly grow so much spiritually through this. Although my heart never stops aching for a baby, I know it is in his hands. He is always been there for me, so why wouldn't he be now?

We started out on a fertilty drug called clomid, it wasn't really working though. So my doctor sent me to a fertility specialist. He did a sonogram and found what he thought was a small mass. This was so scary, because we had no idea what to expect. My doctor ordered an ultrasound and they discovered that mass they thought was small, wasn't so small. It was the size of a basketball, no I am not kidding. They had to get it out and quick. 2 weeks later I was scheduled for surgery. The surgery went very well and they were able to remove it. Now we are back on clomid, hoping that the mass was a factor in us not getting pregnant. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father though, I can't even imagine getting pregnant and having that mass. He definitely knew that we weren't supposed to be pregnant.

                   Six months after the surgery I went back on clomid, still no results. As time went on the fear came. What if I never have a baby? This makes my heart break into a million pieces. My emotions go all over the place and I know it is a true trial of my Faith. I was put on a new medicine, and still nothing. So what is the update now?

                   My sister was told about this amazing fertility doctor in Pleasant Grove. So I made an appointment in February to see him. From the minute I walked in the office I truly felt the spirit. My family had special fasts for me and I was given a blessing. I saw a picture on his desk that truly brought so much peace into my heart it was Mosiah 8:18 Thus God has provided a means that man, through faith, might work mighty miracles; therefore he becometh a great benefit to his fellow beings. What a beautiful and comforting scripture. It is amazing to me how the Lord often speaks to us, sometimes without us even knowing.

                   We met with Dr. Foulk and we went over my condition. He explained to Corey and I about my PCOS, and a plan of action. He says hopefully with the medicines and doing the IUI(insemination) procedure, I could be pregnant by June. If this doesn't work we go onto plan B.

                  So here we go. A new part of the journey. One that is full of hope promise and a scary unknown. I am scared, but I am also have Faith and hope. It's in the Lord's hands now, so what  better place for it to be right? I will keep you updated on the results, and feelings of this new part of our journey. While we are going through this crazy adventure we would really appreciate prayers and support. Thank you to all our friends and family for always being there with us on this journey. We love you all and are so grateful for all your love and support!

                  Something I am truly learning on this journey is that God, not I is in control. That with God anything is possible. My favorite quote is: "Where there is hope, there if Faith, where there is Faith, miracles happen."  Heavenly Father is always there for us, all we have to do is ask and leave it in his hands. So now it's time to Let go and let God take over. Hopefully we will be blessed with a little one, but one thing is for sure we will keep learning and growing

 

                       

Finding Faith and Trust during troubling times!

   

              Today I have been inspired to talk about having Faith and trusting in Heavenly Father. This can be one of the hardest things one will face for many reasons. Having Faith is never an easy task. At times it can feel nearly impossible. How does one trust and have Faith in someone they have never seen? How do we build our Faith and trust?  These are all questions often asked. While I might not have all the answers for these, I would like to share experiences in my life with you where I have learned to do these things. Although the roads to learning these things weren't always easy, I can promise you one thing they were and still are worth it. I treasure my relationship with my Heavenly Father. When I pray I know he is really listening, I know he knows my heart, fears, hopes, dreams, and he knows my needs. I am not here to tell you I have mastered this, because to be honest just like everyone else I am still learning and growing. I hope and pray that as I share with you the experiences that have tried, tested and made my faith grow that something I say can help you in your life challenges as well.

 

               I was adopted when I was a few days old, and while some may think that is easy let me tell you it can actually be hard. When I got old enough to truly understand what that meant, at times I had a really hard time with issues of feeling abandoned, not wanted, and just plain hurt. I wanted to know what was wrong with me, why didn't my biological mother want me? This led to me pushing people away when they would try and get close. I felt that if I left first, I wouldn't feel that horrible ache of not feeling wanted. When in actuality I was only hurting myself and the relationships around me. Those around me were never going to leave me, they loved me. I had a really hard time trusting that anyone would want to be in my life. I felt insecure, and that I wasn't worth being loved. Those were some very dark and scary times. I pushed more people away, then I care to admit. I had that deep fear of people leaving so deeply rooted in my heart that I had a hard time letting people in and trusting them. Then one day I remember praying and feeling God's love so strong it had me in tears. I began to understand that my biological mother did love me, and that when she gave me up it was out of pure love. That God had directed me to a different path, her purpose was only to be a vessel to bring me to the family I was meant to have. This helped me to start realizing I was worth it, and that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and every one of them is different. By trusting him I would learn the path he wants me to be on, and by exercising that Faith it would help me get there. I also learned that during times I feel my doubts, fears, and heartaches taking over, that I can turn it over to him. While I would love to tell you my insecurities have totally gone away, I can't. I can only tell you it has gotten a little easier, but I know who I am. I am a daughter of God, and he loves me. That helps me in more ways I can explain.

 

              Throughout my life I have experienced great heartaches, hardships, and true faith builders. I think all of these have truly prepared me for what I am going through now, which I will get to in the next paragraph.

 

             My husband and I made the decision to start our family after we had been married for three years. We felt this would give us time to get to know each other better, and to help us strengthen our relationship. We figured when we were ready, kids would just come. That's how it happens right? Oh how we were wrong. We tried for a year like the doctor told us to, and nothing happened. I remember feeling worried, scared, heartbroken and wondering once again what was wrong with me? We tried fertility medicines and each month I would have to check my temperature. Then every month I would think, this is the one. I would get so excited and think that I was pregnant, that the test would be different this month. Then reality would sink in with that little strip NOT PREGNANT it would say time after time. Those days were the hardest. I would cry all day, and just want to be left alone. I would wonder why is Heavenly Father doing this to me? I started to blame Heavenly Father and felt so helpless. I had many dreams where I saw my future kids, but why weren't those kids coming? My hope and faith faded. I became bitter at anyone who would get pregnant. I had a hard time getting up in the morning and having motivation to do pretty much anything. Time went on like this for quite a while. My doctor told u that she would advise seeing a specialist. A small glimmer of hope came back, this doctor would help us. Once again we were told to go on those medicines, and I had to have more tests done. I felt like a pin cushion and lab rat. My heart grew heavier every day. I felt lost, and blamed myself for not being able to bring kids to our family. The pain was indescribable. Then one day the doctor found a large cyst on my ovary and I needed to have surgery for it to be removed. I was told that if it hadn't been found it would have continued to enlarge and could cause serious health problems or possibly death. It was a good thing I didn't get pregnant or it could have killed me. This was a scary reality for me. While I was recovering from this major surgery I had time to really evaluate things in my life. I think that was a serious turning point for me. I started to realize the Lord was really aware of me, and was trying to protect me by not getting pregnant.  After I had recovered and was ready to try again, still nothing was working. I felt my heart sinking and that I was going back into that pit of despair. One day I was on my knees bawling and pouring my heart out to Heavenly Father. I was praying to him to help me, help my heart to change, and grow stronger Faith in him. I didn't want to be sad anymore. I wanted to be a mom so bad it hurt. I will never forget that moment when it felt like his arms were around me, calming me, and telling me it will be ok. My children were special and needed time to prepare for these days, that my dreams were real and that I would be blessed as long as I trusted in him. I felt like I was talking to a father and I knew he was listening, that he truly loved me. This once again helped me to gain faith and trust in him.

 

            Even though we still haven't been able to have a baby, I still hold the hope and faith in my heart that our dreams will one day come true. We are going to see a new specialist next month and I feel that this could be an answer to our prayers. I have felt the love my Heavenly Father has for me so strong lately, that it can't be denied. I know we have a long road to go still, but I also know that Heavenly Father is in control. To me this is a very comforting thought. I know if I trust him and continue on with Faith in him everything will be ok.

 

           Although the road to gaining Faith and trust in my Heavenly Father has not been easy, I wouldn't change anything about it. I know he has given me these trials, hardships and heartaches in my life to help me learn and grow. That without these trials I would not have the knowledge, faith, and trust in my Heavenly Father that I have. I have also learned Satan will do anything to stop God's plan for us. He will make things so hard we want to give up, he will try and take away our faith and trust, and he will remind us of our doubts, fears, and worries. He does not want us to be happy, because he isn't happy. Always remember by putting your Faith, trust, and hope in our Heavenly Father anything is possible. He makes what we think is impossible become possible. Heavenly Father loves you, he wants you to be happy, but just like any other father he also wants you to grow. By giving us trials, heartaches, and hardships this will help our faith grow. It will stretch us, mold us, and help us become the person he knows we can be. We will begin to trust him and we will know that when we have done everything we can, to give it to him and he will do what we can't. He will lighten our burdens, and will calm our fears. All things are possible through him. We need to believe that, trust that, and find hope in that. Nothing worth having is ever easy, but it sure is worth it!